The Confounder

We Will, We Will Rock You.

2011-12-13T07:10:00.000-08:00

The time has come again. Yes, it's that time every six months when I dust off the old noodle and try to remember my blog's long forgotten login details. Truth is, I've spent the last 3 months carefully piecing back together my eight character password (hint- it's not 'password'... that was my first guess too). But I'm back! Huzzah!

I only really come onto the internet to get angry at something that has really irked me. Something that has pierced my skin and broken into my soul with a proverbial pickaxe. Last time it was brain dead fanatical evangelists. This time it is the music industry, which is a topic I have gotten my boxers into a knot over before but not to this cataclysmically twisted scale. Hold on to your hats.

Now, this year one can surely excuse me for not really paying much attention to the X Factor. It hasn't really been on the news, hasn't really been on the radio and to my disbelief, hasn't been in the papers as much as I thought it would be. Praise be to Jehovah. But I couldn't help my old feelings towards this show surface once more, what with it being all over the news having finishing last weekend.

Thank Jesus Christ Fenton that it has finished, yes indeed. But my hatred for this whole culture still burns deep. And will continue to until it is eradicated, which will unfortunately never happen as long as I'm alive. I just hate the way that ITV have the power to bring near-talentless socialite wannabees to the public fore and basically make them rich and famous. I hate it.

'Where's your green leprechaun's hat Louis?'
'Where's your talent... erm... sorry forgot your name.'

The group that just won it, erm... Brittle Fix? Dippy Shits? erm... Weetabix? Whatever they may be called. They may not be completely talentless but I personally know people who could fart better than most people who reach the finals of X Factor can sing. And I think I'm being kind when you consider people like that utter douche Frankie Cokeheadozza. Does the ITV know that kids watch this show? What a role model.

It is not the least bit surprising when you consider that ITV are the same corporation that have brought The Only Way Is Essex to our TV schedules. What is the appeal of watching two mandarin toned airheaded cretinettes screaming 'shat aaaap!' at each other? I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Anyway, I'll save that particular tangerine tangent for another day. I'll get back to music.

At least the likes of Lady Gaga and Coldplay write their own songs. They aren't my cup of tea but they created them and that is talent to a degree, although Chris Martin continues to drive me to despair with his annoying face and dull as a dusty deckchair music. But you won't see many X Factor 'graduates' writing their own songs, I can tell you. That bloke who won it last year does but he is now nowhere to be seen and I believe that tells a rather illuminating story.

Here is whiskers playing Beethoven's no. 5 in C minor. Where is his no. 1 album? Huh?

But I know so many people in bands and I know nobody who is an aspiring pop artist. So why isn't there a talent show for bands? With their own songs and instruments (If any X Factor contestant is reading, an musical instrument is an item that when you perform a physical action on it, it will produce noise, or 'music'. Examples include the piano and the guitar).

If this happened, there might actually be talented people going on there who deserve success.

Apocalypse Now. Or Maybe Later...

2011-06-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

After all these months of not posting anything I have come to realise that I have a lot to catch up on. I’ve done Bin Laden, so I’m skipping Libya and moving straight onto one of the most important and ridiculous of recent(ish) news stories. Judgement Day, May 21, 2011. Which failed. Otherwise I would currently be typing the no.1 blog in purgatory, (I haven’t quite decided where I’d end up yet.)

Evangelical christians never cease to amaze me with their utter moronupidity. A made up word, yes, but with twice the truthfulness. And the man behind the recent absurdity is one Harold Camping, an 89 year old radio host and preacher who had a stroke 11 days ago. Right.

This whole thing just shows how utterly absurd the wider christian agenda is. I have absolutely nothing against casual christians who go to church once a month and like to think there is a God. That is fine by my book, as I am sort of half agnostic. But this end of the world bollocks comes around every few years and I'm sick of it. If we are all alive come December 22, 2012, then I will go on a manhunt for the culprits. Mark my words. >Dramatic angry face<

I am sorry but I would not trust a deranged octogenarian evangelist to be able to wipe the mashed potato off his chin at Sunday dinner never mind, erm, predict the fucking end of the fucking world. Fuck.

What makes me laugh is that this guy calculated the apocalypse on Jewish feast days, the lunar month and the Gregorian calendar. How on earth can he base the end of the world on these 3 cycles? He must be either a crackpot or really old and senile. Ah. Right.

In my view, the end of the world is when the sun blows up. In 4 billion years time. Mr Camping is a bit off in his prediction methinks. It is funny that he has the audacity to 're-predict' the end of the world. Apparently we're now going to die on 21 October. Exactly 5 months after. I shall get my affairs in order. I leave my miniature beer fridge to Jesus.

I am rather drunk and rather angry. It is men like Mr Camping that drive me to write posts like this. Utter morons who don't deserve my words. But I feel the need to type them anyway. Because I'm angry. Angry like a piranha. A piranha of justice. A dark knight of justice and fairness. Move aside Adam West and Christian Bale...

For I am Batman.

>Collapses in drunken heap<

Osama Bin Killed... Good Start, Now What?

2011-06-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

Finally, the first post of the year has arrived. It would have come sooner but I haven't been bothered... simple enough really. All work and no play makes slacking a dull joy.

Anyhoo I have written a little poem for you to get on with.

Once upon a time, there was a very bad man

Who hailed from Asia, from Somewhere-istan.
There was an attack on America, some kind of drama
That made everyone mad about a man named Osama.

Nobody new just where he had gone
Iran? Bhutan? France or Oman?
But when everyone said he was in Pakistan
George Bush smelt oil, so he started on Saddam.

Where was he then? In a cave like he said?
Or Islamabad, with a bullet in his head?
As the head of Al Qaeda, he was in fact a threat
He was the world's most wanted, but Bush seemed to forget.

Later in time, Dopey Dubya was no more

The moron was gone with much pride to restore.
But a knight came along, by the name of Obama
Who went in and killed the twat named Osama.

Not quite Coleridge or Shakespeare I know, but it got straight to an important point. How did George W. Bush fail, after 9 years chasing, and Barack Obama succeed after just a year and a bit? Well that question is easily countered with the automatic response, 'Bush is a moron'.

God forbid if Sarah Palin ever gets hold of the White House gun cabinet.

I bet Bin Laden was wishing that all the shit in Africa and the Middle East began when he was still alive. America would forget about him plus he could invite Gaddafi over for chats about killing innocent people over tea and sacraficial religious meats.

Looking at the current issues in Libya and Syria now, why don't America just do what they are best at? Driving the leaders into hiding with relentless attacking (mainly upon British troops) then waiting 10 years before finding them. In the place that everybody knew they were. The Obama thing was a long fucking process but it got the job done and practically bought Obama a second term. Yeah dawg!

Casual and indiscreet racism aside, I am not so sure that killing Osama will end Al Qaeda's attacks. Surely they are going to be a bit angry? And their idea of revenge will probably end up being another 9/11 incident. But involving the White House. Gloomy indeed.

Unless they just miss and Sarah Palin is sunbathing in the garden at the time.

I don't like Sarah Palin.

Alcohol Revisited... Again... Part II

2010-10-24T09:01:00.001-07:00

It is a quiet Sunday afternoon and I have already devoured 5 beers and have just opened my sixth. This is where I am forced to contemplate to myself... Is this habit really very healthy for me?

Well, I wouldn't really go so far as to label it a habit, I mean, I know people who are worse. Still, I just feel that lately I have been drinking a little more than I maybe should be. My liver can't exactly be happy with me, put it that way.

And next Saturday, I kick off early again, as it is the night before halloween. I am going as a member of the glam rock band KISS, which of course means spangly lycra is the order of the day. On a cold Autumn night. Lovely. But hopefully alcohol will have a good use and will numb the freezing temperatures and hopefully keep any potential chest raisins at bay.

There was also some heavy drinking on Tuesday night where me and a few drinking buddies played that weird dirty minds game. When you're drunk, the sentence 'I am a huge vibrator' becomes so hilarious all of a sudden. Unfortunately, when I got up on Wednesday morning, I felt as rough as Ann Widdecombe's backside.

At least I learnt my lesson with señor tequila...

I am wise now and often stick to the golden nectar that is sweet, sweet beer. But I do often inadvertently mix my drinkies with the odd shot of schnapps or whisky here and there. Not bad if you don't do it too much but horrible vomity, smelly, migrainy death if you do.

So, you know what? I'm in a rock band and alcohol makes me happy. So I shall keep drinking until I croak.

You only get one life and I aim to make it as short as possible.

The University Of Lies

2010-10-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

2009 wasn't the most brilliant year for me. First of all, I finished my A-levels very disappointingly with 3 c's. Which didn't bother me that much because the university I was going to didn't require the best grades. Alas, when I actually went to uni, it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life and I quit, realising the only job that a history degree could get was David Starkey's tea boy.

Now realising that I didn't want to be partaking in medial tasks for very boring old men in tweed suits who got semis over the word 'monarch', I quit, even though I had nothing else planned. And it's turned out great because I'm now sitting in the chemistry building in The University Of Birmingham... I'm not a student, I've just decided to chill here. Problem?

I am of the opinion that university is now just one big money making scheme. And now Vince Cable has taken the cap off tuition fees, the situation may get absurd. I mean The University Of Birmingham may decide to raise their fees to about 5 or 6 grand a year because they mostly get richer folk or international students from the likes of China and Japan who have to pay over the odds anyway.

And then when you actually pay the tuition fee and the rent for the accommodation, which gets to around 8 or 9 grand a year, It leaves me wondering whether its worth it at the end of the day. I mean, if you get a First Degree, then you are reasonably likely to acquire employment. But, if you come out with a 2:1, which the majority of people do, then you are just one in a long long list of candidates for whatever job.

Basically, David Starkey could get thousands of tea boys with 2:1 degrees. But, he'll look for the one with the First or the Master's or the PhD, which to me just seems like a lot of bother for no real reward. Plus you actually have to fork out for books, journals and everything which make a real dent in the average student's wallet. A wallet that usually contains around 37p, some cobweb and a barely used coffee coupon.

It is one massive con. Plus, schools and colleges paint a brilliant picture of uni's making sure people are aware that they absolutely must go or they will suffer horrible horrible death in a gutter at the age of 19. Then you have peer pressure. 'Oh everyone's going uni, so I've got to go as well... I can't be the odd one out!'

University is just one giant, lying bastard.

At Long Last!

2010-10-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

I finally found what that llama faced 'wolf' from Twishite looks like...

It's Manbearpig!!

North Kore-un

2010-10-16T04:20:00.001-07:00

Communism. I have discussed it many many times on this blog... how it works, how it doesn't and how North Korea are going to blow us all up when they get the chance. It is a touchy subject and it is one that I aim to crack once and for all.

It is always said that the theory of communism means that everybody has equal rights in a classless system where everything is owned by the state. There are no privately owned businesses within a central planned economy which is owned by the state. In theory (That phrase is used alot), this should lead to no stock market collapses or economic crises that are oft associated with capitalism.

Of course its an equal society. I mean, it's not like the North Koreans have to go to rallies and refer to their boss as 'dear leader'...

North Korea is the strangest country in the world. It is almost as if they are still in the 1940's. When Kim Il-Sung was in charge, he created this segregated system in which the country was totally self reliant. But they still kinda got on with other countries... As soon as he kicked the bucket, his son Kim Jong-Il sent North Korea into complete lock-down and caused everyone to hate them.

Apart from the ever-cheery, ever-communist Chinese. Still, I can't resist... 'I'm so ronery, so ronery...'

The system in the so called 'Democratic Republic of Korea' (How absurdly contradictory is that?) is laughable. 'Oh let's re-elect our leader even though he is currently 68 and has had several strokes! This is sure to be a long lasting spell in charge!' Mind you, his son Kim Jong-un does look like a gormless potato.

I do understand why people don't mutiny against the leader though. Probably the fact that the vast military will kill them to death. I'm sorry but this is not what Karl Marx's original theory was meant to mean. How can people be happy in an equal society if there are AK-47's poking through their windows every few minutes?

I can imagine what Dear Leader's soldiers are like. 'Were you just thinking?!?' 'No! I swear!' 'You looked like you were thinking!!' 'No I wasn't! Please believe me!' 'No! You die now!'... lovely.

Calling this country the 'Democratic Republic of Korea' is like calling Piers Morgan a talented, lovely person. Completely contradictory and utter shitty bollocks.

3...2...1... Launch! ...Again. Maybe.

2010-10-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

As I ponder to myself why I am currently sitting with my very numb left foot firmly tucked under my leg and with half a warm Dr Pepper in one hand and a keyboard in another, I shall just go through a few things.

Firstly, I have decided to resurrect my blog. Obviously. Because I currently don't have anything to do in the daytime before work starts at half 5, I thought I'd split the time between songwriting and writing for you lovely (or frightfully ugly) people. I don't know how long this will last before I give up again though... hopefully a decent amount of time at least.

Secondly, I got bored and threw out the old black/blue colour scheme. We are now >gasp< black and red! >dramatic music followed by more gasping and the not so faint sound of a man collapsing of shock<

I've also made some changes to my heroes/retards section at the bottom of the side bit on the right. Hugh Dennis, Andy Parsons, Horatio Caine of CSI and Slash have been added to the heroes and Ross Noble, Comediennes and British Chart 'Music' have been added to retards.

And they are massive retards.

(When I typed the word 'blog' it had the red squiggly line under it. Apparently it does not appear to be in the Blogger spell check dictionary. Much to my personal chagrin and displeasure, I had to add it myself)

So Klose, Yet So So Far...

2010-06-28T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'd like to have began this post-match article with some arrogant anti-Deutschland hollering and maybe one or two war references (probably two), but I do not have the right. Because of 9 men, (David James not included... plus I think we had a striker called Wayne... hmm...) I cannot berate and demean the Germans. Which is a right that I should have access to at all times.

I've never been one for naming names but shame on Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Matthew Upson, Glen Johnson, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry and Jermaine Defoe. Yes, the England national football team who lost so embarassingly to the Jerries.

And now to the title. You'd think that men who get paid more than £5 million per year would be good at their jobs surely? No it seems. Now for my own Alan Hansen-style analysis of the match...

Bag o' shite.

On to brighter news, if Argentina win the world cup then I get £100. Sweet. But they are next up for this German side who actually don't seem bad but I am surprised their lederhosen does not hamper their shooting prowess.

England have been crying out for a good football team for 44 years. I just wish Bobby Moore was still alive and in his twenties... Because this team need someone like him who is, y'know, good. And don't start me on Wayne fucking Rooney. I can guarentee he will smash in 30 goals for Man United again next year and all will be forgotten. I just don't get how you can be so good for your club and then forget how to kick a ball when it comes to important matches like this.

Now, until World War III, the Germans have bragging rights over us for the first time in a long time, which is so pissing annoying. I will still mock the Germans, but this time it will be because their football team is superior to ours and I am just jealous.

Least England beat the Aussies at cricket yesterday.

World War II, Part 2

2010-06-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

I just realised this morning that I had a blog once. And that I used to use it literally all the time, but eventually I got bored of it and then put it on the back burner for a few months.

But now I am return.

And with good time to report on the World Cup in South Africa (You know that place that has all those vuvuzelas) and this Sunday's crunch game between England and Germany. Which England shouldn't even be taking part in if Robert 'Lubefingers' Green hadn't dropped that clanger against those ever sizable Americans.

Seriously we would have 7 points and we would be facing Ghana, whose best player Essien is out for the tournament. Instead we have to face the Germans who ALWAYS beat England in majors. But we know the story by now, especially in recent major tournaments:

We start off crap, scrape into the knockouts, start playing well and then we face a Portuguese-speaking nation who knock us out. It's been the way since 2000...

Euro 2000 - Lose to Portugal in group stage, go out.

World Cup 2002 - Lose to Brazil, go out.

Euro 2004 - Lose to Portugal, go out.

World Cup 2006 - Lose to Portugal, go out.

Euro 2008 - Haha.

It may be different under Capello. We may go out to Germany before we even get to face either Brazil or Portugal...

The Great Drunken Escape

2010-04-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

There are many things in life that I yearn for: Gordon Brown and David Cameron fighting to the death with pickaxes? Yes. All politicians immediately suffering from spontaneous human combustion? Yes. Getting an all access pass to a Jack Daniels distillery? Hell yes. But one thing I yearn for more than others right now is a holiday.

I am lucky, I am going on three holidays this summer. Which isn't good because I stand to lose 15 days of holiday pay... but then again, three holidays! No complaints.

However for the first time in my life, I have to pay for one of them. Which is a ridiculous concept. But I am looking forward to it hugely as it will be the first time I am going away with just friends. It will be interesting at the very least. The copious volumes of alcohol that will be consumed will be amusing indeed.

Which does beg the question: Why bother if I'm not going to remember any of it?

Not the point. The point is that getting drunk is fun and the more you think about it, the gayer you become. Simple. Although I don't want to be one of the unlucky Newquay pilgrims who get sellotaped to lamp posts and pissed on by drunken revellers. Fun times indeed.

The only reason I'm going is because all my friends are and I just want an excuse to go to the beach and get drunk day after day. And I get to pay hundreds of pounds for this rare commodity, which is a downfall but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.

The caravan is in a park solely for students and it has a handy bus service that runs until 3am (they know their clients). Plus it is an eight berth but I don't think we will care where the beds are, we will just crash out wherever due to the drunken stupor we will all inevitably be in.

I have already bagsied the bathroom floor.

Manifestorama

2010-04-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

Apologies for lack of posts blah blah blah.

Right now we have got that out of the way, allow me to introduce today's topic. The UK 2010 Election of course. Is it going to be another term of bungling jock Gordon Brown and the Labour party? Is David Cameron's forehead going to get to no.10? Or will the Lib Dems and... and... erm... their leader win?

I think his name is Dick Smegg or something.

The latest poll readings according to The Times suggest that Labour have unfortunately gained on toff Cameron. The Conservatives are at 36% and Labour are at at 33%. Its gonna be an interesting battle but I really do not want to see Brown win.

People have been suckered into thinking that it is him who has cured the economic crisis when in fact, the economy has essentially healed itself. Also Labour's planned rise in minimum wage cannot be done without a rise in VAT, which will just piss people off further. Basically if Labour get into power, then the country will continue down the same road.

Not that I'm supporting Cameron. Hells no. I know he says 'We're all in this together', but the age old Conservative ways of 'take from the poor, give to the rich' will probably remain intact. Though he is more interested in telling people how his day was and how many trees he planted and shit.

The first election debate is currently on the T.V. but I couldn't care less. All they're probably doing is lying, sighing, bluffing, shuffling, interrupting and generally being petty politician bastards. Which I cannot care the slightest about because I'm only going to vote so I have a right to complain about the government when they get something wrong no matter who it is.

I'll probably go for the Lib Dems. Why the hell not.

Another St Patrick's Day Rant

2010-03-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the delay, it has been an awfully busy week. My band had 3 gigs last week, I was indisposed on Saturday and Sunday and I was busy again Tuesday and yesterday. But today, I have no excuses. I'm not doing very well so far in my plan to reach 100 posts by September am I?...

Ahh another St Patrick's day comes and goes. And amazingly, even though I am 18 years old, I failed to partake in the almost customary tradition of getting positively and emphatically inebriated. Usually, I would take any excuse to go out and get plastered: 'A friend has come back from uni for the day, let's have a drink!' and 'I found a twenty, lets go get drunk!' and 'Coventry FC didn't lose a game, lets go for a pint!' are common excuses.

But to me, St Patrick's Day is not that big a deal.

Last year, yes, it was a novelty to go out for Paddy's day. And it was, to be honest, shit. Any half-Irish bar is always packed to the rotting rafters on this day of all days even from about lunchtime. Everyone uses it as an excuse to take a day off work and spend it drinking.

Which makes going out on Paddy's night a ridiculous idea. I made the mistake of going out last year to a shit excuse of an Irish bar last year and it was such a crap night due to how unbelievably crowded it was.

And the bouncer was a complete douche bag. I tried to get into the pub once and succeeded, even saying hi to him. Seemed a nice chap. Then I tried later and he said to me 'Sorry can't come in now, too full.' I looked inside and indeed, it was too full yes. But to my horror, a group of about nine or ten waltzed in, each one greeted by the dickhead bouncer with a friendly smile that said 'Welcome to me pub, top of th' evenin' to ya.'

Then of course I tried again and he said, 'Look I already told you mate, get lost.' By this point I was hoping he had a heart attack and died a very slow and painful death. I was a dejected man that night but the Irish bastard had taught me a very valuable lesson and that lesson was: Dislike everyone until they give you a reason to like them.

I have lived by that philosophy until this day and it has done me very well. I must thank Dr Cox of Scrubs for this rant:

'Lady, people aren't chocolates, do you know what they are mostly? Bastards... bastard coated bastards with bastard fillings, but I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine...'

Mass Debating

2010-03-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

With the televised election debates on the horizon, I thought it was high time to have a go at politicians again. Lee has recently posted on politics, mentioning the likelihood of a 'hung parliament'. However I am going to talk about the live US-style election debates lined up for later this year.

I can imagine it being very amusing to watch. I can imagine Brown and Cameron just going at each other for the duration and Nick Clegg just standing there not being given an chance to get a word in. His only involvement will be when he is bullied by the other two. Example:

David Dimbleby: So what are you going to do about the economy?

Nick Clegg: Well...

David Cameron: Shut up Clegg.

ITV, Sky and BBC are each showing a different topic and say that each of the three parties will be given an equal amount of time. But that just isn't going to happen is it? Nobody cares what Clegg has to say. He's just been brought in to be the cannon fodder, the sad sack, the spectacled nerd in the corner.

Which, again, will be funny.

And its obvious that Brown will dodge questions or come up with some ridiculous answer to a question, at which point Cameron will step in and berate Brown about his answer and insult the Labour party in general without giving a substantial answer of his own. It's what the opposition appear to be there for.

I think it would be hilarious if politicians had their own little private parliamentary facebook conversations. There would be funny pre-debate exchanges:

David Cameron I hope Brown doesn't hit me like he did to his personal assistant

George Osbourne likes this

William Hague Lmao

Alistair Darling I'm going to tell him you said that.

David Cameron You look like a badger.

Alistair Darling FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I'm Gonna Need A Different Kind Of Spirit...

2010-03-01T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm on a writing roll right now and as a result this is my second post in two days. This blog can only benefit from this rare but probably short lived burst of creativeness i am currently going through. Here's hoping it continues for a while longer...

Now...

Ghost hunters. Or bullshitters as I like to label them. A group usually consists of a TV presenter, a parapsychologist, a medium and a couple of minions who go off on their own for 'lone vigils'. If you have ever seen Most Haunted then you will see what I mean. What they do every week is bullshittery of the highest degree.

The locations on this show are usually pretty much the same. They end up going to some place that is stuck in a medieval time warp such as dilapidated old castles, prisons, hotels, pubs or shitshacks. As you can guess, they do spend half their time in Wales.

After the parapsychoghostymalospiritmediologist has had his say at the start, they eventually enter the location. And some of the utter mierda de toro that they come out with is hilarious. The slightest noise or knock is immediately a spirit entity. Rational explanations have no place here. The fact that it is a very old building that is falling apart or is the home to many nocturnal creatures does not bear relevance. It is a ghost trying to contact them.

And when they do talk to the ghost, they talk to it like this: 'If you are here, please try to talk to us, try to contact us...' Of course forgetting that in medieval times people spoke almost a completely different language altogether. If you are interested, this is how people spoke in England in 1400:

'And it is don, aftirward Jesus made iourne bi cites & castelis prechende & euangelisende þe rewme of god, & twelue wiþ hym & summe wymmen þat weren helid of wicke spiritis...'

Yeah...

A few interesting things have occurred though to the shows credit. For example, the camera caught a chair moving on its own. Now, there didn't seem to be anyone near it and the camera could see all of the chair in the shot. But, there is nothing to say that the camera was a low definition one that could not have seen strings connected to the bottom of the chair or something like that, but at the time it was relatively convincing.

Ghost hunters are very impressionable and in the heat of the moment, will react to the slightest things with no ration at all. Which would explain why the slightest tap is immediately the servant of Henry VII or a chambermaid of Oliver Cromwell.

I have to go because I've just been tapped on the shoulder by the air.

Radio Caca

2010-02-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was just starting this blog, thinking to myself: I am going to assault the music industry. And so far, I have assaulted rock, I have assaulted punk, I have assaulted awards ceremonies and I have assaulted Chris 'retarded whale' Moyles on more than one occasion. If you are a fan of the bearded, blockheaded scruffbag then leave.

Now.

Right... the main reason for this post is not to keep insulting Chris Moyles. As fun and unnecessary as it is. It is to take a swipe at the pinnacle of musical achievement and what all artists aim for. The charts. From the fifties to the noughties, the charts have been a mainstay in the industry. And has housed some utter caca ('there's the title, he said the title!').

You have Culture Club, Pet Shop Boys, Jason Donovan, Phil Collins, Cliff Richard and Chris De Burgh. And that's just the eighties. The nineties were much, much worse. Take That, Erasure, Peter Andre, Mr Blobby, the Manchester United football team (yes), the Spice Girls, Ricky Martin and the Teletubbies.

And nowadays, the music is not as bad as the nineties (Gordon Brown could have penned a number 1) but is still pretty awful. We have Lady Gag, Cheryl Cole, Florence and the Machine, Owl City, N-Turd (affectionate nickname for N-Dubz), JLS, J-Zed, Jizzie Rascal and Jedward. The quality is lacking somewhat. I mean, who the fuck are Owl City?

And N-Dubz? 'Yeah we're cool, we've got a 'z' on the end of our name. That makes us solid man!' With that name, they already sound like a bunch of douchebags. And speaking of douchebags, take a look at this fella:

He is apparently the lead singer.

I'd come up with a solution to our chart issue but I'm afraid people will continue to purchase this really shite music. As long as gits like Simon Cowell continue to excrete the shit that is currently coming out of the backside of the music industry, we cannot be helped.

Still at least 'The Resistance' by Muse is in the Top 40.

The Best Of The Confounder

2010-02-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

After passing my 50th post, I've come over all sentimental so here's a list of my favourite posts so far. Enjoy...

Poll Dancing Politicians Are All The Same, 13 Feb 09

http://theconfounder.blogspot.com/2009/02/poll-dancing-politicians-are-all-same.html

Everything You Know Is Wrong, Apparently, 19 Feb 09

http://theconfounder.blogspot.com/2009/02/everything-you-know-is-wrong-apparently.html

Does Being One-Thirtysecond Irish Count? 16 Mar 09

http://theconfounder.blogspot.com/2009/03/does-being-one-thirtysecond-irish-count.html

Lets Get Gazeboed For St George! 23 Mar 09

http://theconfounder.blogspot.com/2009/03/lets-get-gazeboed-for-st-george.html

Laziness: The Next Pandemic, 10 Jul 09

http://theconfounder.blogspot.com/2009/07/laziness-next-pandemic.html

Lets Pray That There's No God...

2010-02-23T07:43:00.000-08:00

First of all I would like to welcome Potential Difference and Surprisingly Bewildered back to the blogging game. I'm glad I finally have some company as I have felt lonely for the last month or so.

Now, the task I have been set this week as you can probably judge by the title is to argue the existence of a wholly simple, transcendent, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent being. God, to put it another way.

Then of course you have the white stallion that is science apparently wasting its millions on proving that there is no almighty being. But I guess belief in God does help to soften the blows that the religious ultimately invented for themselves. God is a soft pillow they can always lean on and rely on when times are tough.

Or when people disprove their often preposterous arguments.

To many, science kills any arguments or ideas religions have about afterlife and God. Religions want the so-called 'truth' to be shared but science crushes their plans and ideas with force and evidence. Many through history like David Hume and Charles Darwin just wanted to destroy what they saw as endless lies and Richard Dawkins has taken the baton and continues to attempt to envisage a future where we cannot disagree.

However, this will not happen. The flame of religion will burn forever like a never ending torch of delusion (I'm not biased at all). I can see the point of hope and belief though, even if there is no real evidence.

In the end there isn't really enough evidence to prove or disprove the existence of God. End of.

I remain agnostic. Though creationism remains bull***.

Cough, Cough, Sniff..........Cough.

2010-02-15T23:09:00.000-08:00

There's a good reason why I'm up at 7 in the morning. No there isn't a monster under my bed. And no I haven't just got in after a heavy drinking session. That is tomorrow morning...

I have the dreaded male homo sapien influenza. Yup. Man Flu.

I know its such a cliché but it is horrific. Females should not complain about us when we complain about man flu. They only suffer childbirth a couple of times in their life, and to be honest after the first child it can't be that difficult. We have to go through the gauntlet of man flu every couple of months or so. No one has children that often.

Doesn't stop lady chavs trying though.

I could not sleep till about half 3 and even then I only got an hour of sleep before finally giving up at half 6 and getting out of bed. Its a horrible situation to have to deal with because now I could fall asleep at any time. I wish I had the ability to stay awake at all times. I would get so much done...

I've also suffered tremendously from that most awful of happenings. The near-sneeze. It is the single most terrible side effect of a cold. For those who have not experienced it, you go to sneeze, your eyes well up but the sneeze never comes. It just leaves you with very watery eyes, making you look like you have just heard that Piers Morgan and Russell Brand are coming round your house to discuss their lives.

The worst thing that could possibly happen ever times infinity plus one.

Unless they brought Tim Westwood with them.

Excuse Me, May I Cough On Your Face?

2010-01-27T10:52:00.000-08:00

I shall begin with a short rant.

I don't want to come over all 'grumpy old man' here but this really annoys me. Inconsiderate, unmannerly, impertinent, insolent fuckers.

We all know the type.

The type that will shout abuse at you in an alley. The type that will cough down your neck on a bus. The type that will stop right in front of you on a busy shopping day. The type that will hock a greenie on your shoe at a bus stop and when you look round to give them the evils or reprimand them, will refuse to admit they are guilty even with spit dripping from their dirty scum mouth.

Walk round a council estate near my house and all you get is abuse from 10 year olds with mothers on council tax benefits who are just too darn busy feeding their new sprogs to keep an eye on them. Not that they care. They'll just be proud to see their kids on Jeremy Kyle at the age of twelve having a spat about their unborn incest baby. Or is that a bit harsh?

Well no. If any normal person walks past one of these council estate dirtbags, they will look at us as if were from a different planet. Then they will say something along the lines of "What the fuck you lookin' at you long haired prick! Hahahaha you need your 'air cut mate innit? Aaaaaaargh wankeerrrr!"

Yeah funny! Save your energy for your 37 kids...

Then you have hobos. I'd feel pity for them, if they just weren't so darn rude. I enjoy arguments with them...

"Got any spare change mate?"

"No, sorry."

"Prick!"

"Well I was thinking about it but you're definitely not getting any now."

"Look, sorry mate!"

"No no! Too late for sorry now! Had your chance!"

The Confounder is back and angrier than ever!

(Oh and if any Cheryl Cole L'oreal ads appear at the top, I'd like to make it clear I can't choose what ads come up. Unless you want to click on it just to look at her.)

Turrah And Thanks A Million

2010-01-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. What have the BBC done?

If I was Graham Norton right now I would be the most jovial fellow on the planet. With Jonathan Ross gone he can take over the BBC. However, 'Friday Night with Graham Norton' does not quite have the same ring to it.

However, for the rest of us, I'm not entirely sure Ross leaving is the best thing for television. Yes, he was controversial and yes, he does have an annoying voice. But you can't say that Norton's voice is any less annoying can you? He sounds like a cross between Alan Carr, Paris Hilton and Paris Hilton's chihuahua.

And you certainly can't say that controversy is boring. And Ross was the man when it came to controversy. Its as if he can't control his words, which is extremely fun when he interviews top Hollywood stars. He has said some utterly moronic things:

(to Madonna) 'Congratulations on your lovely little black baby'

'It's not whether you win or lose, it's about how many people remember you when you die'

'Abi Titmuss? She's been tied to more bedposts than David Blunkett's dog.'

I just hope to God Piers Morgan doesn't sign a BBC contract. I can envisage now what his new ITV chat show is going to look like:

Week 1 guests: Piers Morgan

Week 2 guests: Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Piers Morgan

Week 3 guests: Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan

Week 4 guests: Piers Morgan

Week 5 guests: Piers Morgan

Week 6: Cancelled.

My Shit Year

2009-12-31T14:40:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe I still remember how to use this bad boy. I can't remember the last time I posted on here. I think it was the end of September. And alot has happened in that time...

Firstly, I ended up quitting uni. It didn't turn out quite the way everyone said it would. My school said it would be paradise, where it rains marshmallows and chocolate comes out of the arses of pink fluffy bunny rabbits. This was just not the case. As soon as I got there, I thought I had died and gone straight down to the crimson depths of satanville.

The module books were like the tutors. Old, grey, smelly and very, very boring. Much like the buildings themselves. The one I was forced to tolerate smelt like an old hospital. Not the best learning environment. But yeah uni was shit, education is shit and that is the end of that very, very shit chapter.

Anyhoo I thought I'd have the good grace to get a post in before the new year. I'm polite like that.

Hope your year was better than mine :P

The Autumn Depression of 2009

2009-09-28T11:34:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd tell you now, there won't be many posts in the next few months due to the beginning of my university course. On one day I have to stay till 6 in the evening. Which is bullshit.

As a result of finding that out today I am in a very poor mood.

Apologies.

You Are An Elephant And Your Daughter's a Whore...

2009-09-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

You'll be glad to know folks that I am in a writing mood, rather unlike the rest of the Phenomenal Four (apart from maybe Luke) who appear to have been asleep for the last month. I am also in an aggravated mood, which can only benefit the enjoyment of this post. This aggravated mood is a result of...

...football.

Yup The Confounder has decided to break its 'writing about sports' duck, as one particular going on has angered me. This is the saga surrounding Manchester City's Emmanuel Adebayor and his celebration in their 4-2 win over Arsenal, where he ran the length of the pitch just to taunt the Arsenal fans (of whom he used to play for).

Heres what happened:

You are probably thinking 'what a git!'. I did at first, until I realised what the Arsenal fans were actually singing earlier in the match. I'm sorry Arsenal fans, but chants of 'Your father washes elephants and your mother's a whore!' deserved anything. And you look at the state of some of these fans and you wonder if they really have the right to be teasing someone about their family and heritage.

Some of them looked like they would eat people.

I cannot believe that the FA have actually charged Adebayor for these actions. He will get fined, and the bastard fans who sang that degrading song will not be fined. This just goes to show the injustice that sometimes occurs in this world. Adebayor was on top of the world after his goal and he wanted to get back at the fans who had, basically, treated him like shit.

Grrr.

Kanye Just Show Me What Happened, Jackass?

2009-09-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

I used to like YouTube. The good old days where I could type in what I wanted to see, and my monitor showed it to me. I have utilised YouTube on my endless quest to watch every single Muse video ever created. Even obscure ones involving them standing in a toilet and clicking their fingers into a mic. So amusing.

However, it has recently become very difficult to find what I'm actually looking for. I have heard about what happened at the recent MTV Video awards and I wanted to actually see the footage. So, naturally, I went to YouTube. And could not find said footage for the life of me... obviously Mr West has somehow taken all videos of the incident off the Internet. (presumably to replace them with ones he deemed better...)

Instead I could only find stupid videos of peoples ugly faces offering their opinion on Kanye's little outburst. I do not care about your opinion you halfwit, I want to see a carparked rapper embarrassing himself. Do these people have nothing better to do than record themselves talking about what happened? (A blog is a worthwhile pursuit. I have a life. Unlike these spotty layabouts)

God I love a good rant...

Now for my first congratulations to President Obama for calling West a 'Jackass'. Superb. This story me giggle for almost 3 seconds. It may not have been part of the actual interview (I forgot who it was for, NBCBSABCX, or something) but for a world leader to say that made me think that some actually might be... wait for it... normal.

Not Brown though. He remains a fat moronic jock.

Amusing Picture

2009-09-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

You're Outta Time

2009-08-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha. This is the second Oasis song title in a row I have used for a post but this time, it does a have a bit more of a meaning to it. Well, it was originally 'I'm Outta Time' but, y'know, that just wouldn't have the same effect...

So Noel has finally decided to call it quits. And who could blame the poor guy? Who in their right minds could possibly work with Liam Gallagher? I don't even know him and I perceive him as a bit of a twat. Noel is outspoken but Liam? He is just a complete idiot.

The two Gallagher brothers support the same football team but this is where the similarities end. How can they have been in a band together for so long and hate each other for so long? Oasis have been together for over 15 years and the only reason I can fathom for their longevity is success. If the band were not the commercial success that they turned out to be, they would not have lasted 2 years.

If they were unsuccessful, the Gallaghers would have blamed each other and there would have been a fight and they wouldn't have reached Morning Glory. Which was a good album. Thing is though, Noel can only benefit from not being tied down to the band.

I can guarentee that he can be a success as a solo artist. Oasis are nothing without their chief songwriter, guitarist and vocalist. He's got a much better voice than Liam. He just has. Have you heard Don't Look Back In Anger and The Importance Of Being Idle? Any arguments for Liam are instantly invalid. The man is just awful live:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gqU8blVehc&feature=related

I believe that Noel will benefit greatly from quitting Oasis. The fans may be a bit disappointed, but, Noel's solo material isn't going to differ from any Oasis stuff is it? He wrote most of the songs for Adam's sake. So, Oasis fans, stop crying! The only thing Liam ever did for Oasis was shout and shake a tambourine. And when he isn't singing a song, he storms off backstage. Rock n' Roll? No.

However, I think Liam is stubborn enough to try to keep Oasis going. But he's also lazy enough just to call it quits. Which, for the sake of music, he should.

Without Noel, Oasis are simply a mirage.

Cigarettes And Alcohol

2009-08-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

I was watching an obscure ITV program in the early hours of the morning a few days ago (note - me...watching...ITV...[see hate list for details]) and the first thing I saw were police wrestling a drunken twat to the floor.

Now this is a very, very irritating sight to someone like me. It does beg the question, why can't the fuzz use a bit more force? People like that should be treated with mass amounts of force such as the use of, say, a gun to the face?

I just see one of these people on the street and it makes me want to grab a chainsaw and go to town on their drug-addled pale torsos. The police force would be a fuck load more effective if rusty chainsaws were a standard requirement in the back of their squad cars... think about it.

How good would it be just to line up all scum and run along them with the chainsaw? For me, it is heaven. Thing is though, they all deserve it.

I say this because I am no stranger to the night circuit. My late night watering hole is abundant of cretinous muttonheads who push past me violently, throw up all over the place and address me by cleverly pointing out the length of my hair and making an unnecessary jibe at how preposterous it looks. C'mon, simpleton, I look a hell of a lot better than you do with your ridiculous neck bling and half your eyebrow shaved off.

Oh they make me mad. Enraged, in fact. You know the type of person I'm on about. Think Tim Westwood, but 30 years younger. The 'wiggas' as I am told they are known as. If you see them on the street corner or in a park, etc, it should be made legal to decapitate them. I do not joke. This a very brilliant idea.

Here's me simply attempting to purchase my usual J.D or Southern Comfort and coke and I am assaulted by someone behind who would like to know 'why I was lookin' at his bird'. I can assure you, fellow, that I have no innate, intrinsic, extrinsic, conscious or subconscious desire to look at that Jabba The Hutt dead ringer you call your 'bird'... Oh and yes, that is a very normal happening.

The Confounder declares scum hunting season open.

The God Of War

2009-08-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Why do I get the feeling I am apologising at the start of every post nowadays? And on this occasion, my life isn't really that hectic. I simply have no excuses for my lateness this time and if you feel the need to send me hate mail, send it to theevilparticular@hotmail.com... I will try to reply to all.

>sigh<... anyway...

Barack Obama is one very ambitious fellow. His election campaign slogan was 'Vote For Change', so I always assumed he would be. But his approval ratings have plummeted, more jokes are being made at his expense (Barack 'Hussain' Obama... can't stop laughing at that :D) and yet he continues to interest people with some very big plans for the US and A. One of which is very, very important in the field of space exploration.

America have been attacking space for many years of course. The Republican governments keep going up in their attempts to find God and the Democratic governments keep going up presumably to find some aliens to hug and treat as their child, while robbing them of every dime they have. I'm not sure Obama is into the money-stealing but only time will tell. I'm sure he wants to find aliens though, and this is apparent with the ongoing plans for the Constellation Program.

NASA intend to get people on Mars by the 2030's and to do this, they are ditching the space shuttle and going with the Ares V launch vehicle. I think they are planning on developing a kind of airtight dome world (sort of like Total Recall, only without Arnie) which sounds cool. And is. Very. But the economy is sort of sitting in the way like a huge piece of dog turd on NASA's front lawn.

Ares is the Greek equivalent of Mars, the Roman God Of War. It will bear more similarity to the Saturn V rocket than the current space shuttles. NASA needed to do this as they are now focusing their attention away from the mundane space station bullshit and are moving on to places that you cannot just float up to. A landing craft is required for Mars, obviously. It will look very much like the Apollo landing craft. And the landing itself will be a pivotal moment in history watched by millions worldwide, although I am unsure that Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins will be up for it again. (Assuming they'll be alive, they will all be in their 100s :P)

The Russians must be mentioned. I would be very surprised if Vladmir does not plan something. They got involved in the space race, the arms race, the war and even got involved when they got wind that Britain and France were trying to build a supersonic commercial jet. (Concordski failed spectacularly) It would not be in the nature of Vladmir to miss out on such an opportunity to beat the US and A.

Whether or not NASA's ambitious plans will come to fruition remains to be seen. But it would amuse me if the martians turned out to be similar to the Mars Attacks! martians and impaled Jack Nicholson with a flagpole...

'Lets war Iraqistan!'

2009-07-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Great words from a great and regrettably misunderstood man. George Bush is a hate figure for many of the world's population and especially libertarians everywhere. When the tragic events of 9/11 unfolded, what other choice could have been made? Was war against the Taliban necessary?

Many think not. Which is understandable to an extent. Many civilians have died during the conflict in Afghanistan, people who did not deserve to die and many use this fact as a catalyst to their anti-war arguments. Factually speaking, over 30,000 Afghan civilians have been killed. So it is easy to see why some people are, like, majorly pissed off...

If the official aim of the Republican government was to 'find Osama Bin Laden and other high ranked al-Qaeda members, to destroy al-Qaeda itself and to end the Taliban regime', then I'm afraid the civilian casualties simply do not add up. Why did so many have to die? Were their deaths completely necessary?

Well the war has been horribly nonsensical thus far. Where's Bin Laden? Wheres al-Zawahiri? Where's the end of al-Qaeda? Where's the end of the Taliban? The only thing that has been remotely successful is the removal of the Taliban from power at the beginning of the conflict Since then?

Nothing.

And then there's the casualties within the forces themselves. As of July 14, 2009 there have been 1221 deaths of NATO-ISAF coalition forces in Afghanistan. 184 of these have been British, including the death of Lieutenant Colonel Rupert Thorneloe, the highest ranked soldier to die since the Falklands War. Does this not bother people? It bothers me.

Why are the soldiers not given adequate equipment to deal with the Taliban scumbags? They need adequate equipment or they die. Simple equation.

The motives themselves? Well yes, the official motives are good enough. To fight terrorism and generally make the world a safer place to live in. This motive has not been adequately followed up. The soldiers themselves hate fighting but they don't complain. They are considered heroes as they face the possiblility of death everyday, but get on with the job at hand. They question the motives of war, but ultimately they fulfill their duty to fight. Which is great.

Now it is time for you all to help out NATO. See if you can spot him in the picture below. I bet the U.S. haven't tried looking here yet.

Laziness: The Next Pandemic

2009-07-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

There are three things everyone wants from life: Money, freedom and happiness. Anyone who has achieved any one of these has done extremely well for themselves. Especially the money one. Alas, apparently you have to work for money. And work is elephant testicles. When you do get a job and earn money, Mr Brown helps himself to a third of it.

Sorry for the gloomy introduction there but I'm afraid I am in a rather sullen state of mind currently. I need a job, but where will I find somewhere that gives me plenty of money, somewhere where the fellow workers are not complete retarded twats and somewhere that gives me some amount of freedom and happiness.

This cannot happen as everywhere you go, there are twats. And unfortunately, twats have to work somewhere as well. This cancels out any easy work (fast food restaurants, cleaning, etc.) as it is the cranially deficient morons who are employed as cheap labour in such places.

So, I am forced to get a job with a calibre of complication, as to avoid working with brain dead twats. But this means my happiness is severely hampered. If the work is too hard, then I will just give up and go to sleep. On the spot. And I'm not sure employers will like that too much...

Beer, chocolate or bed testing would be brilliant, but these jobs really are more fantasies that will never happen, regrettably. And I partake avidly in all three activities plenty enough already. (I can just imagine being paid to do it though... heaven... [if it existed. Which it doesn't])

I sometimes wonder how many people like me are alive. People so abundantly lackadaisical that they would happily miss an episode of Top Gear in order to catch a few Z's, that they would skip dinner in order to just lie in bed staring at the ceiling and that they would even pass up an opportunity to do something extraordinary like to go into space to sleep for a few more hours. (The last one is a lie... I might just take someone up on it :P)

If this laziness spreads then we are all in trouble. The country would come to a standstill (well, a sleepstill) and the economy would perish completely. I guess I could use this as motivation. Or I could just look in my wallet and realise that any job will do just so long as I get some £ rolling in.

And don't worry, I watched Top Gear on BBC iPlayer a few days later ...when I got up.

The Greatest Log British Leyland Ever Laid

2009-07-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

Where to start... well probably by apologising because this post has been I don't quite know how many days late. Also I have declined to go with the scoring system set out by Lee on the P4 page because, and Chris would back me up on this, I cannot be arsed. But if I win, then great.

I am inclined to look upon the history of the British motor industry with equal measures of both ecstasy and apathy. British Leyland (before they unfortunately became the ill-fated Rover) did churn out some of the best (woo!) and the worst cars of all time. (cock.)

No description of the brilliance of BL at times would be complete without the mention of the original land rover series one (now evolved as a Defender), which was manufactured by BL in the sixties until they became Rover in 1986. Others, such as the MG Midget (basically a prettier Austin Sprite) and the first Range Rover were important as they influenced many of the cars we see today.

Among the 'logs' of which i speak include the likes of the Austin pretty much everything (Allegro, Princess... eurgh.) and a few Triumphs (Dolomite etc.) Anyway, enough about whether BL sucked or not. On to by far their greatest manufacturing achievement. The Jaguar E-Type.

Granted, it was designed and made before BL took over Jaguar in the sixties, but BL still took the credit for it. And rightly so, it is the best car ever. Scratch that... it is the best thing ever in the world. Not many higher accolades than that can be given without childishly upgrading 'world' to 'solar system' and then onto 'galaxy'.......

It has been top of countless 'most beautiful car' surveys and it has been one of Jaguars most successful cars. In fact it has been one of Britain's most successful sports cars of all time, with 70,000 shifted. Which is impressive for a car that was out of reach of the lower classes. Jaguar sold nearly 70 times as many cars than the DB5.

The Series 1 E-Type had a top speed tipping 150mph and that was a mean feat in the sixties, considering financial constraints and the lack of technological advancements we see today. It could go from 0-60 in just over 7 seconds which is quick. Quicker than many of its modern day equivalents. And as the car evolved over time it got quicker and prettier. And considering how quick and pretty it already was, this must have been incredibly hard to do.

It is so damn good looking, though. I mean, it has to be the prettiest car of all time. Chris of P.D. would argue that the DB5 is better looking (it is pretty but if I have to be very critical, its got some mouth on it...) but the E-Type beats all in this department and no arguments shall be accepted.

It is in my opinion, the greatest car ever, and I hope I have swayed the opinion of many out there with this. Not of Luke at An Organised Mess, who seems to be adament that a pokey hatchback is the best thing ever. Or of Lee for that matter, who thinks that a jumped up VW Beatle is a good thing...

E-Type ftw :-D. Let the arguments ensue...

My Top 25 songs

2009-06-21T05:59:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by Lee of Surprisingly bewildered to come up with a list of my favourite 25 songs. They will go under categories that include happiness, sadness, love, my guilty pleasures and the supernatural or otherworldly. Granted, this is one of his better ideas, so I'll go along with it. Enjoy...

Happiness

1. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
2. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
3. Pearl Jam - Alive
4. Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
5. Muse - Bliss

Right. The first thing you are probably wondering is 'why is a Nirvava song number one in the happiness section?' There are many ways to interpret the lyric of Kurt Cobain. I have gone with the 'leading a teenage revolution' angle, which can include the ecstacy of success and the general happiness and feeling of being part of a rebellion. The others are pretty straight forward. 'Don't Stop Me Now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball...'

Sadness

1. REM - Everybody Hurts
2. Metallica - The Unforgiven
3. Kings of Leon - Knocked Up
4. Nickelback - How You Remind Me
5. Foo Fighters - Come Back

This one is more difficult, as there are so many different interpretations for songs. 'Everybody Hurts' needs no explanation. It is the saddest song that you will ever hear. Just listen to it and you are guarenteed to feel something. And if you don't, you must be killed. 'Knocked Up' by Kings of Leon sounds depressing, so thats why that is there, as does 'How You Remind Me', which was written about the angst of meeting an ex that you hate. Also, Come Back by the Foos is one of the most touching and moving songs I have ever listened to.

Love

1. Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
2. Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
3. Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box
4. Muse - Unintended
5. ZZ Top - Gimme All Your Lovin'

'Sweet Child O' Mine' by Gn'R is one of the greatest songs ever and the name of the song awards itself the number one spot here. 'She's got a smile that it seems to me/ reminds me of childhood memories...' amazing lyrics, amazing song. I had to get Led Zep here somewhere and Whole Lotta Love is certainly about love. I would think. Unintended is a very romantic song as well. And ZZ Top are just cool.

Guilty Pleasures

1. Oasis - Wonderwall
2. The Beatles - Yellow Submarine
3. Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-Flat Major
4. Nena - 99 Luftballoons
5. Slayer - Raining Blood

I don't want to talk about them... sorry. Especially the Beethoven one.

The Supernatural/Otherworldly

1. Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
2. Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
3. Muse - Map of the Problematique
4. Black Sabbath - Heaven and Hell
5. Muse - Knights of Cydonia

I tried to abstain from including too much Muse in this section, and I did very well I think. I was going to include 'Take a Bow' and 'Dead Star' but that felt like too much. Two of these link to hell or satan (Number of the Beast and Heaven and Hell) two link to heaven and the Muse ones? I dunno but they both link to space. 'Cydonia' is a place on Mars where a supposed rock is shaped like a human face. That's pretty otherworldly. Literally.

I would normally add some afterword on here but I can't be bothered... I shall only say that if you agree or disagree add a comment... I appreciate all feedback. Cheers!

Gotta Feel For The Portaloo Cleaners...

2009-06-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Men dealing shrooms outside tents, venders churning out disgusting faeces burgers, 'bars' selling beer for a fiver a pop and men and women who have never met each other before having indescriminate relations inside portable toilets and see-through tents. Yep. Festival season is upon us.

And I've decided that I should perhaps do a little review of each major music festival going on this year, just to give a bit of an idea of what you're in for this summer. Music festivals are usually pretty good, atmosphere wise, but you must choose the right one to go to, or you could be regretting it for a long time.

Especially if you are hollow-headed enough to buy before you find out who's actually performing.

For instance, if you like the Arctic Monkeys, thinking they will play Glastonbury and buy tickets on instinct, it could be a mistake if they play Reading and Leeds instead. (Haha to the saps who have actually done that. No sympathy here, I'm afraid...) I've had a look at the major ones, now to decide which is the best.

Isle of Wight

If you were a fan of dance/house/electric rock, then this would have been the festival for you on the Friday night. The Prodigy, Basement Jaxx and Pendulum the headliners. I personally believe that Stereophonics were the best band there and the likes of the Ting Tings (see hate list on right) and Razorlight (see hate list on right) should have been avoided. Unless you like that sort of crap. If so, you need a reality check.

Another highlight was 63 year old grandad rocker Neil Young. He closed his headline set brilliantly, by tearing apart an electric guitar, Hendrix-style. I'm not usually a fan of Neil young, especially of his solo crap. But nuff respect for the Hendrix tribute, intentional or not. His set was a bit shorter than others, as he began to forget why he was up there. 6/10

Glastonbury

I must say that I was dubious at the lineup at first but it improved as names continued to be added. This festival caters for all this year. Neil Young pops up again on Friday 26th of June, along with the brillant Specials.

On Saturday, you have 'The Boss' Bruce Springsteen along with Kasabian, Jizzy Tissue (Dizzee Rascal) and the excellent Spinal Tap. Sundays pretty darn good as well, with Blur, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Tom Jones and Madness. See what I mean about catering for everone? This one looks to be a cracker. 8/10

Reading and Leeds

IYDLRDB. If you don't like rock, don't bother. Kings of Leon (amazing live, I'm sure I've said that before), Placebo and Radiohead facilitate the needs of the rocker. If you are an indie rocker, then the likes of Kaiser Chiefs, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party, Enter Shikari and Maximo Park will tickle you're fancy.

And if you are an emo who is close to murdering yourself, then Fall Out Boy and Funeral For a Friend are for you! >sticks thumbs up cheerily< 7/10

Download

Again, IYDLRDB. This one was for the harder rockers out there, with the likes of Faith No More, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, Whitesnake and Korn playing the main stage this year. However, I have to say that ZZ Top were awesome.

Gimme All Your Lovin' is one of the greatest songs ever. Some day I would love to see them myself. Before they die of old age. Billy Gibbons is 59 and Dusty Hill is 60. But unlike Neil Young, they know what day of the week it is. 7/10

I am not going to rate V Festival because it makes me vomit. Oasis, The Killers, Lily Allen, Razorlight. Need I say more.

The best festival would be on in which Muse were to play the whole weekend. We can only dream...

Okay, Put Your Pens Down... And Tear Your Papers Up

2009-06-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

There is a scourge within this world that needs to be dealt with. It is the scourge of all scourges. I am talking about a something so horrifically horrible, fiendish and detrimental to our health that it needs to be destroyed. Even God cannot forgive the sins that this thing commits by simply existing. It is a monstrosity. No, not terrorism. Or Piers Morgan.

I am talking about exams.

There are so-ho-ho-hoo (read aloud in style of Dr Cox from Scrubs) many justifications for exams deserving the various labels of loathing and contempt above. Anybody who has had to experience them will know that they are the worst thing to have to go through in the world. Apart from being brutally attacked by an Australian saltwater crocodile.

The pressure they heap on us to revise is immense. I have done about 6 hours of revision a day for the last two weeks. (Primarily as a result of my own laziness. I hadn't revised until a week before my first exam...) I had seven exams to revise for. And two of those were three hours long. Fortunately the worst is behind me.

I have never been stressed for an exam before this year. But after my own experiences, I now empathise completely with people who get horribly stressed before examinations. I can now attest to having a bit of a hissy fit last week, even whacking my head against a wall. (Took quite a while to clean the blood off...) I should have forced the exam people to wipe the blood off that wall, as they are the ones who caused it.

The teachers are no better. My two English Literature teachers this year failed catastrophically in their attempts at teaching us. One of them had a penchant for chocolate buttons and sweets (every lesson became a picnic) and the other for irrelevant political rants, mostly aimed at 'liberal plonkers' (can't say I disagree with the logic...) But we didn't learn much.

The Philosophy and Ethics teachers were slightly better. One of them is surely the daughter of Satan (sort of an opposite from Jesus kinda thing goin' on) and one of them liked cigarettes and coffee (and the odd cake), wandering in to every lesson half an hour late, giving us a worksheet then fucking off to the buffet. But we learnt something.

Teachers tend to prepare you for the worst in exams, so you end up revising harder, for no apparent reason. The question that comes up is the one that you were hoping for (most of the time). But the stress of the lead up to exams is one thing that is not needed. Why not just give people grades based on their work throughout the year? Even if it was 2 or 3 pieces of coursework. Just any method in which exams are not required.

'All the questions seemed rhetorical... I saw no need to answer them.'

The Confounder's exam tips:

1. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lesson this year! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

2. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

3. Complete the entire exam in another language

4. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

5. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.

Hope that helps!

Tad Cramped For These Guys...

2009-06-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

OK. I may have lied about there not being a post this week as I discovered that revision is very difficult right after a 3 hour exam... but hey, that opens up enough time to write this bad boy. I'm surprised I can write or type anything after the exam I have just had, but miracles happen.

And a miracle certainly happened this morning...

Last week I was aimlessly browsing the Internet for nothing in particular and I came across a headline that I got very excited at: 'Muse are pleased to announce the European leg of The Resistance Tour!' I was jubilant. And it was this morning that the tickets became available at 9:00.

I got up and out of bed by 8 o'clock which is some achievement for me as my average getting up time is around 12:30. I got myself a cup of tea (my mother made me a cup of tea), made myself a bacon sandwich (my mother...) and sat down at the computer chair to do some serious ticketgetting. I was to attempt to get tickets to the Birmingham gig at the National Indoor Arena, where I had seen Kings of Leon twice before.

At about 9:01 I got onto theticketfactory.com and, whatdyaknow, the server was crammed full of people. People more than likely going for themselves and dragging their reluctant friends or family along. But I got on with the job at hand and persisted.

But the server was still busy. The other two websites that you could buy tickets from were also busy. I know exactly who was on there. People who were going to buy them now and then sell them for triple the money on eBay a matter of hours later... Proof here. some are ridiculously expensive, costing over £100. I am so glad I persisted.

And eventually we got our just rewards as we got through to the NIA's booking office and scored six tickets. Hurray! Gloating time, I then thought. I immediately went on MSN and told Chris of Potential Difference, a huge Muse fan who lives in Australia (where Muse are not going) the good news.

Not best received.

But I was in a state of shock at just how quickly the tickets sold out... I thought to myself beforehand, 'wow the NIA only holds 8000 people, that ain't gonna be enough'. I was to be proved correct as it was sold out within half an hour. Woah. However, they should be embarking on a stadium tour in summer 2010, so that'll keep the fans who couldn't get tickets this time happy.

But I can't be too sure of their next trip to Australia...

Let's Listen To The Provos

2009-05-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

Independence. A word much discussed in the UK, with parties such as Labour and the Liberal Democrats wanting to be in the EU and others like UKIP and the British National Party wanting to 'break free' as they say. I'm going to have to pitch up in the camp of the latter. Let's be honest, this country has lost its identity.

Gone are the days of fish and chips and Big Ben. Gone are the days of red phone boxes and bowler hats. Gone are the days of minis ruling the streets and Winnie ruling the seats. The fact of the matter is, the United Kingdom has gone down a very mixed path that has lead to us losing all sense of Britishness.

I am not going to take a stereotypical line of argument such as 'They're all stealing our jobs!' even though this is a very valid statement. So I will go with this line of argument. They are indeed stealing our jobs. Imagine if a very skilled worker, Mr John Smith (not very imaginative but its just an example...) applied for a job as an electrician and he is beaten to the post by an unskilled Pole who will do the job for half the money. How pissed off would Mr Smith be?

Now at this point, someone of a left-wing persuasion...namely Gordon Brown... would state 'but they're helping the economy!!' Oh, OK then. And you politicians are all so believable after the expenses scandal bullshit aren't you? On the basis that all politicians say the exact opposite of the truth, I'll have to go ahead and disagree with you there Gordy.

Now, with the 190,000 people a year entering the country, house prices are set to rise dramatically by 2029. If there was no immigration, there would more than likely be a fall in house prices, with all of the new housing currently being built. And another drawback of immigration is that we will probably suffocate as the government may have to allocate families to homes that are already occupied.

'Westwood family, meet the Kryzcakinowtonovskis...'

Now, I'm not usually one for condoning the actions of the various IRA groups in Ireland, but I will agree with the principles. The Provisional IRA, for example, wish to abolish British rule in Ireland and release Northern Ireland from the clutches of Britain and the EU. To me, this makes perfect sense. They are apparently non-violent now, but I dunno...

This need for Independence in Ireland is something that we need here. Immigrants tell sad stories of hardship and poverty in their own countries, but half of these stories are exaggerated and some are completely false. If you walk up to someone on the street now and, say, ask them for the time, their most likely response is 'me no speak Engleesh...'

Its not just breaking away from the EU that is needed either. A complete destruction of the 'United Kingdom' would be a good idea (don't take that literally, IRA members...). Scotland and Wales hate the English, we hate them, they want independence, why not give it to them?

Lets make England English again.

The Real Routemaster

2009-05-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Cars are fantastic. Of course not all cars are fantastic, I mean just look at the Lada Riva or the Porsche Cayenne. But overall, Karl Benz came up with a fine invention... cheap family transport for the masses. A practical and efficient method of getting from A to B. Smaller cars nowadays such as the Honda Jazz and the Vauxhall Corsa are very popular with families and they certainly don't cost the earth to run.

But wait...

We are not allowed to drive cars now. They harm Mr Ozone apparently. So if we're not allowed to drive cars then what are we left with? Bicycles? Boats? Hot air balloons? Well bikes are good on a nice summery day, they don't require fuel and they are easy to park and store. But they can't really carry more than one thin man, they are not fast, they require effort and they are not the best on a rainy day...

However. There is another option of which the government pitches as the best thing since sliced ham. Public Transport. I, being an antisocial bastard, completely loathe public transport to the highest degree. Nobody hates it more than me. I have had many an unpleasant experience on buses but unfortunately I am forced to travel on them every day of my continuously humdrum life.

One particular experience on a bus haunts me to this very day...

It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I left school at about 1ish as my lessons had all finished. I decided it would be clever to go to town and have a few drinks, being the alcoholic waster I am. So at about 8 o'clock that evening, drinking done, I decided to get the bus home. Now, as you can guess I wasn't the most drunk one on the bus at that time.

I got on, put my money in the thing that you put money in on a bus and attempted to get my ticket from the ticket dispenser thing. But I was stopped in my tracks by the driver... 'Excuse me, you have put in £1.60...' I should probably explain that the fare was £1.50 but I didn't have any 10p pieces, so I had to put in £1.60 otherwise I would have to walk 5 miles to get home. 'Erm, I don't have any 10p pieces sorry.' 'Next time put in exact fare please.' 'Erm...ok...'

I'm not sure why he was complaining because he just earned himself an extra 10p. The idiot. They obviously do things by precise measure in Poland. Oh well, I thought and took a seat in front of a crazy looking drunk man with a huge beard.

A big mistake as it would turn out. As soon as I sat down I was met with a low, quiet, pretty gruff sounding voice. 'What are you doing here?' I turned around, about to reply when I noticed that he was not talking to me. He was talking to what seemed to be, well, thin air. So I turned back around, realising that a walk home would not have been the worst decision in the world.

About halfway into the journey, I decided to see if my shoelace was undone. (That is how bored I was) However, I noticed that seeping down the side of the bus to the left of my foot was a steady stream of urine. Horrified, I looked around and the old man was shakin' his junk as if he was just finished at the urinal. At this point, I moved to the front of the bus and decided to get off a few stops early, for my own safety.

Now, look here government officials and various tree hugger environmentalists: Public transport is terrible. People of the world, if you want to get from A to B, buy a car for goodness sake! Even if you only use it for one trip. I would gladly splash £10,000 on a motor for one journey than have to travel on a bus. I really would.

And I hope to god that the old man is either dead or in a mental asylum.

Opium Of The Masses

2009-05-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

'Religion is the opiate for the masses'

This was the famous phrase coined by Karl Marx, a well known atheist and father of the communist ideal (lol). He had a very valid point as people do tend to turn to religion if their lives aren't quite right. For example if a man loses his job, his wife (and his sanity) he will more than likely convert to religion as a kind of last resort.

Marx himself believed that religion was just an illusion created by people who were not psychologically fulfilled. Basically, lunatics and manic depressives. Kinda tells you about the type of people who are stupid enough to believe that God is helping them every step of the way.

Christianity centres around a virgin who dropped a sprog called Jesus and this Jesus guy teaches people about this God guy and heals loads of people and stuff. And he died on a cross then rose again. I think that's it, I didn't pay much attention to Religious Education in school. Still the abidance by this book of mystery remains puzzling to this very day.

Now a very quick round up of all other religions. Islamic teaching comes from some prophet bloke you're not allowed to name teddy bears after, Hindus believe in a multi-limbed Elephant, Jews wear funny hats, Buddhism is a cult and Sikhs don't cut their hair. And that is how you do that!

Another sociologist called Maximilian Weber held that religion was formed by society in order to help it thrive. He believed that religion was simply there to reassure people. If someone asks 'What will happen when I die?', religion acts as a blanket and comforts people. Religion is only there to help society keep together. Bag o' shite. He didn't say that last one.

That was me.

And why shouldn't I say that? Yes, Weber does not link God in with anything, so well done for that. Religion is definitely not formed by society for the better. It is a series of cults set up by the psychologically, emotionally and mentally challenged. Mainly emotionally.

A psychologist called Carl Jung, who was a student of Sigmund Freud, believed that people created the ideal image of God in their mind based on previous experiences in their lives. Basically they need to create a God in their mind. A non-existant shoulder to cry on if you will. Pathetic.

Religion is a completely absurd concept. It is a cult for the emotionally despaired.

Jog on, God. jog on.

The New Cold War (part 4 - the prediction)

2009-04-19T08:47:00.001-07:00

With so much work having to be done over the past few weeks, maybe I can be forgiven for being extremely slow of late. Or, maybe not... just don't kill me that badly. Yes, I admit to being a bit lazy recently, hence the lack of posts. But I am going to commit to a strict schedule soon, to stop me slacking off, so there will be a post every week. Don't panic.

There have been many close shaves regarding a World War III... all involving Russia, strangely. In 1999, there was a standoff between NATO and the Russian Kosovo force at Pristina International Airport in Kosovo. But some agreement was reached and the inevitable breakout of war was delayed for the time being, but it was a close shave nonetheless.

I envisage North Korea being the catalysts for war on this occasion, and I don't think it will just be a Cold War. I personally, truly believe that there is going to be a degree of military involvement this time. I really do. Especially if Kim and his canine consuming Korean cronies are not bluffing about the nuclear missile stockpile.

If North Korea decide to launch a nuclear missile in the direction of Obamaland then there's gonna be trouble. Now for an analogy for just how much trouble there's gonna be...

Imagine the scenario of a football match. Lets say... Man United vs Liverpool at Wembley. A small Liverpool fan wants to get a half time refreshment. But the queue at the vendor where he usually goes is too long. So he decides to take a risk and ventures into the Man United section to grab a burger. He receives strange looks from Man United fans, but this doesn't faze him.

However, he comes across a large Man United fan, who immediately sees the small Liverpool fan and goes, 'Man United rule! Liverpool are shit!' etc, generally being a fat, loudmouthed, arrogant tosser. You know the kind. Anyhoo, the Liverpool fan becomes annoyed at the fat man's antics and decides to grab an empty beer glass and proceeds to smash it in the arrogant Man United fan's face. The United fan is not happy about this and punches the Liverpool fan back.

The Liverpool fans hear word on what has happened and a large fight breaks out between both sets of supporters, while the neutrals realise that they need to pick a side in order to get out alive. Eventually both sides are somehow broken up and the fight ends, with much bloodshed.

You may have by this point realised who represents who here. The small Liverpool fan is very much like North Korea. He becomes annoyed with the arrogance of the larger man (the U.S. obviously...) and decides to glass him in the face, beginning a huge all out war.

I believe that a nuke hitting America will be all it takes for a war to break out, and it is obvious by now that Russia and China will join with North Korea in order to wipe out the capitalist scum. There won't be any necessity for ground troops, as they will simply keep nuking each other until the world is destroyed.

I try to be positive...

The New Cold War (part 3 - the reasons)

2009-04-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

The primary reason for the 'outbreak' of the Cold War was that USSR leader Josef Stalin decided that he wanted to take over the world. United States President Harry Truman decided, wisely, that this was not feasible and they decided to go to 'war'. But the only real fighting that happened was in Vietnam. Sure they had the space race and the arms race, but come on, where's the fighting?

On this occasion, the only way that a fight could start is if Russian president Dmitri Medvedev (Putin puppet) decided that he was going to take over the world. Now, it could also begin if Obama decides to take over the world, but he's already pretty much done that by taking the presidency.

I think most world leaders would decide that Russia taking over the world is not feasible. Then we will enjoy another 50 years of tepid relations with each other, and then some heroic Russian dude with a big red scar on his head will save the day. Simple as that.

Actually that's highly unlikely... got carried away...

The only way a fight could actually start is if North Korea actually do end up sending a nuclear missile to hit the USA. And Russia would see some reason to join in:

Advisor: 'Sir, sir! North Korea have sent a nuke to hit America!'
Putin: 'Great news! Let's join in for no apparent reason!'
Advisor: 'Sir, I think justification is required to join a war...'
Putin: 'Did we need justification last time?! No! So get that nuke ready!'

Russia would join in immediately with anyone who hates America. And they only have one reason for doing this: Prestige. The only reason for Russia wanting to attack America again is to get one over the old foe. Like Celtic v Rangers (football), Prost v Senna (F1), Frazier v Ali (boxing), Australia v England (cricket) or Russia v USA (er...chess...)

The Chinese justification would be to topple Capitalism. Which is what communists have been attempting for 100 years, so good luck with that. When faced with a choice of the USA and Russia to side with, China will choose Russia every time, being part of the BRIC group of developing countries, along with Brazil and India.

And America's reason for getting involved in a war is because North Korea will have nuked them.

Fair Enough.

The New Cold War (part 2 - the players)

2009-04-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to part 2 of this little series on Cold War II or World War III or whatever you want to call it. I'm going to call it Cold War II because I don't think there's going to be much blood, death and killing. It'll be a very long war of words between Obama and Putin. Until North Korea get involved. Which will mean South Korea will get involved...

...which will mean Japan and China will get involved...

And it will eventually turn into a World War involving Russia, China and North Korea v Everyone Else. Seems like a foregone conclusion does it not? Don't be so sure...

North Korea own the fourth largest military in the world, with 1.2 million armed personnel. And with the nuclear weapons of mass destruction thing they've got going on, the Americans should really watch out. I can't get the image of Kim Jong Il from the film Team America out of my head and if this is what Kim Jong Il is actually like, then we should be preparing a massive spaceship to launch ourselves to Mars now.

Russia also have over 1 million soldiers enlisted in their army and only the largest stockpile of nuclear weaponry on the planet. It is also one of only two countries (along with the U.S.) to be in command of a modern strategic bomber force. And they are spending an extra $200 million on their military in the next six years. On this basis, we should be quite concerned.

And then you have China. Who own the world's largest military at a whopping 2.25 million personnel in active service. And then they have another 313 million more fit for active service who can be called upon at any time of crisis. It would be good to have them on our side, but with them being anti-capitalist socialists and all, I don't think somehow that it would be feasible, really, let's be honest. It would be like Stalin and Roosevelt hugging each other. Not likely to happen...

Because they are both dead.

The United States have 1.4 million in active military service, which is handy. Britain only have the 27th largest military in terms of man-power, but it is among the most technologically advanced and most skilled armed forces on the planet. I have covered two of the countries that are on our side and were already looking in decent shape. America! Fuck yeah! Lick my butt and suck on my balls! (Team America quote... apologies...)

I think if it were to happen, then we would stand a reasonable chance of winning. I know that Luke @ An Organised Mess is begging for it to happen becuase he will be called in to the Air Force (he is currently an RAF cadet in training), but some don't particularly want it to happen. I don't mind either way...

We can take 'em...

The New Cold War (part 1 - overview)

2009-04-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

I may have been lying when I said that The Confounder would be stopped by nothing. Unfortunately the workload has caught up with me slightly, as I have realised that I have two English Literature tests tomorrow, a Philosophy test the following week aaaand History coursework on Vietnam to hand in by Easter. I think I have valid reason for the lack of posts happening recently.

Anyway, I think I shall begin this long overdue post. Or attempt to explain what I am going to do with this next series of posts. I have decided to examine the possibility of the occurrence of a new Cold War in the near future. And instead of writing one huge post, I have decided to cut it into 3 or 4 smaller posts, like this one. I hope I will be able to provide an insight into the real relationship between the two most petty countries in the world, the USA and Russia.

Apparently, the United States and Russia have announced they will try to agree a new nuclear arms reduction deal before the existing treaty expires in December in a bid to ease strained relations.

They haven't actually ever physically fought each other, so what's the beef between these two? England and Germany fought twice but they get on fine. The only reason they have a frosty relationship is because Putin and Obama both want to take over the world.

Well, Putin does anyway...

I can see how a meeting between representatives of these two superpowers will go. Back at the beginning of the Cold War, it was something like this:

Truman: 'C'mon Joe, lets just end this like men!'
Stalin: 'My missile is bigger than yours.'
Truman: 'No mine's bigger!'
Stalin: 'No... mine is!'
Truman: 'No... mine is!!!!'

And now it will go something like this:

Obama: 'C'mon Dimi, lets just end this like men!'
Medvedev: 'I have a large penis.'
Obama: 'Mine's bigger.'
Medvedev: 'Is not!'
Obama: 'Is too!'
Putin: 'Actually, I think you'll find mine is bigger... Go, Dmitry. Now!'
Medvedev: 'Yes sir...'

Okay, it perhaps doesn't go quite like that, but the constant need to be better than one another is, frankly, pathetic. There is going to be another Cold War at this rate, but I guarantee now that there will be no fighting. It will be as stagnant as a booze-up at an old folk's home. And this time there will be no Gorbachev figure to iron it out.

Lets Get Gazeboed For St George!

2009-03-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really despise our country. Especially when we turn to the goddamn Irish when we need to celebrate something. What is wrong with England? It's not going to bite your hand off. It may trod on you (reference to the not-so-good times and drunken yobs), steal your money (reference to economic downturn and drunken yobs) and piss on you (reference to poor weather and, again, drunken yobs...) but it is a hell of a lot better than Ireland. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Especially America. Don't get me started...

It is a real shame that we fail to recognise our own National Day as much as we recognise the Irish national day. Yes, St George was Roman and yes, he is also the patron saint of the boy scouts in America but that should not stop us from being able to celebrate by getting utterly pyjamared on fine British ale. It is what George would have wanted.

And once again, Boris Johnson has proven that he is one of the greatest men on the planet by stating that he is going to ensure that our National Day is celebrated in a worthy manner. There are going to be week long celebrations down in London starting on April 23rd, with parades and concerts and it will be a fantastic occasion in which we can all celebrate the best of England.

But, inevitably, the Political Correctness brigade will be humping his leg like a keen terrier asking questions like: 'Why are you doing this?', 'Isn't this unethical?' and 'How will minorities like the Muslims and the Welsh feel?' Well, to be totally honest, who gives a flying fuck about the non-English. The bastards who are complaining should shut their foreign gobs. They choose to live here, so why are they complaining?

If we decide to go and live in Brazil, we have to deal with the carnival. If we decide to live in Japan, we have to deal with cold fish and on-time public transport. If we decide to go and live in Australia, we have to deal with bitey snakes and Aussie Rules football. Very much the same as foreigners coming here and having to deal with the dreadful weather and cricket. And they should learn to deal with us celebrating our national day with pride.

On April 23rd, I don't want to see a house or a car without the St. George Cross proudly waving around. I don't want to see a street corner without a man in an England shirt pissing on his own foot. I want to see every pub open, with lager louts belting out 'Rule Britannia' horribly off key and where everyone is having a bloody good time, celebrating the magnificence of our fantastic nation.

Now for a message to the politically correct arseholes:

Put up or piss off.

Smells Like A Suicidal Genius...

2009-03-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

"Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with with your self esteem."

One of the least likely quotes to come out of the mouth of one of the most famous heroin users ever, the absolute genius that was Kurt Cobain. Whenever anyone asked if he wanted anything, all he ever said was, 'shoot me up!' which may be what led to many drug related depressions, public outbursts, outspoken opinion...

...eventual suicide...

Put put his list of problems aside (and it was a huge list) then it is easy to see that the man was a musical and philosophical genius, the leader of a generation. However, his addiction to heroin was a bit problematic. He had suffered bronchitis from an early age and also had an undiagnosed chronic stomach condition.

He used heroin as a kind of self medication and, as a result, became addicted. It was around 1990 where he began frequently using heroin and it was the beginning of the end when this addiction began. He died before his death, as they say. Well, as I say...i don't think I've heard that one before... who knows... Oh well, I'm claiming it. Anyway, Onwards!

It got to the point where Cobain was passing out at tours as a result of the drugs, which had a detrimental effect on his band Nirvana itself. He attempted rehab, now and again, but the rehabs he went to seemed to have revolving doors as he was back on the brown in 1992. He had a close shave with death in March 1994 where he overdosed on champagne and Rohypnol. (sounds like a good night out to me!) But on this occasion he lived, although he was a bit of a lost cause to say the very least.

And then came his eventual death, which can be explained in a simple equation:

Depression + Heroin + Valium + Shotgun = Hmm...

There are so many conspiracies surrounding his death that I really do not want to get into because they are all a load of bollocks. So I will not, as my unrivalled hatred of conspiracy theorists will get the better of me and I will end up writing another post about how Hitler being controlled by Satan is a stupid idea. Okay, I'm going off topic now...

I also hold the belief that Kurt Cobain was one of the great philosophers alongside the likes of Socrates, Plato, Aquinas and Augustine. Here are just a few of his greatest philosophical ideas:

“It's better to burn out than fade away.”

“If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.”

“Before I die many will die with me and they will deserve it. See you in hell.”

"And I swear that I don't have a gun”

and my personal favourite: “I hate myself and I want to die”

I very much intend to use one of his quotes in my Philosophy exam in June, and I damn hope I don't accidentally include that last one...that would be a mistake... still, I hope you will agree that he definately holds some very interesting opinions on life. And death.

He wanted to become a member of the 27 club and he damn well managed it, joining Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison in the most exclusive club in the world. His death was pretty violent, although Rolling Stone Brian Jones' was the most interesting, drowning in a swimming pool. The coroner's report stated that it was a 'death by misadventure'.

Cobain is remembered as one of the most iconic musicians who ever lived and it is easy to see why. The song 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' was the anthem for a generation in the early 90's and often ranks highly in various 'best ever songs' lists, much like 'Nevermind' in best album lists. He was one of the greatest songwriters who ever lived as well, which sort of implies that heroin is an aphrodisiac for creativeness. Which is definitely not a good advertisement. Drugs are bad. Unless you intend to die early. If this is the case, drugs are good.

"With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us..."

Does Being One-Thirtysecond Irish Count?

2009-03-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning is set to be the single most agonizing morning in my life. Not only will I have a dreadful hangover, I will also be compelled to endure three hours of lecturing on how Queen Elizabeth I got on with her Privy Council and her parliament. Do I care about that? Really? My coursework is much more fun as I get to criticise the policies of the U.S. in Vietnam. I chose to do so but this is because, as a British citizen, I feel compelled to hate America.

I do find violent conflicts very entertaining. Apart from when innocents are killed. But if they aren't...well, then it's exciting. And the situation across the Irish sea is getting rather tasty right now, with the with the Real, Provisional, Official, Continuity, Full Fat, Ready Salted, Nice n' Spicy, I Can't Believe It's Not IRA on the loose. Another Irish civil war here we come!

I have now covered one of the main aspects of being a paddy. Violence. Now to the next stereotypical trait. Drunkenness. Yes, I know not all Irish people are always drunk, but 94% are. And tomorrow is complete proof that the Irish are fans of alcoholic beverages. They only invented St. Patrick's day for one reason and that is to get completely carparked and fight each other out in the carpark. Wow... I've managed to find a link between the Irish, alcohol and violence! Well done me!

And now, on to the inevitable complaining section of the post. It makes sense to me that 100% Irish blooded people can claim to be Irish. That's pretty commendable, managing to state your country of origin, well done. 50% Irish? Well, ok, but only cos you went on a holiday to Ireland and your dad visited a cheap Irish harlot, accidentally conceiving you. (what? it's possible...)

But blatantly English people with surnames such as O'Brien and Doherty do depress me when they claim to be a paddy. Why? What's wrong with being English? Please tell me why you would rather be seen as a leprechaun than a normal, respected human being? To me, if you don't talk with the funny accent, then you ain't Irish. It is as if people claim to be Irish just to make themselves look cool in front of others.

Well, to me, it makes you look like an angry, green wearing, gold burying, football losing, shamrock munching, Guinness drinking, violent republican lunatic.

Can you be racist towards Irish people? Whoops...

The Phantom Manifesto...

2009-03-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

Back in 1949, members of parliament all had ridiculous combovers and a penchant for moustaches, tailcoats and rounded glasses. It was Clement Atlee of the Labour party who was in charge and he comprehensively addressed all of these stereotypes. At the various post WWII conferences (mainly Potsdam) Stalin and Truman looked at Atlee like he was a complete stranger and thought; 'Winston's lost alot of weight hasn't he?'.

Overall, they did not do a very good job, which explains why they went on to lose the 1951 general election to Churchill's grand old senile Tory boys. However, one very important act was passed before the old cigar puffing potato Winston returned to power. The Special Roads Act of 1949.

It was decided back then that people needed to get from one side of the country to another at a higher speed than they could on the B-roads. What a fabulous idea. Earlier motorways such as the M1 and the M6 were made very long so people could travel from London to, say, Leeds (M1) in one go without the hassle of going the long way round or being halted to a snail's pace by an arrogant bastard farmer on his Massey with the added distraction of the smell of farmyard animal faeces hammering at your nostrils.

And for people who wanted to travel between neighbouring cities, carriageways were built. Now the Labour government have decided to lower the speed limit on the single carriageways to 50 mph. And proposals to lower the speed limit on motorways are close to being considered. I don't drive but I do travel up and down the A46 between Coventry and Warwick regularly and I can't help but think that the government is literally grabbing drivers by their ankles and shaking them down until every last penny has been taken.

This leaves people angered. Very angered.

Do the Labour Party aim to purposely anger people? This is what I believe their real manifesto looks like:

1) Get the economy back up to speed (Raise Taxes. Alot)

2) Improve relations with America (Send Brown to US, get a pic with him and Osama, i mean, Obama, together for publicity)

3) Pull soldiers out of Iraq and Afghanistan in 2 years (Keep soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan for, say, 10 possibly 20 more years)

4) Make roads safer (Bung speed limits down so unsuspecting motorists will go over speed limit and get done by speed camera)

5) Treat every citizen as equal (Give endless benefits to council estate scum and shit on everyone else)

But the most irritating thing is that people make the mistake of saying that this is a nanny state. It's not at all. If it was, the government would be attempting to look after us. However, the reality is that the government are only after our money at tough economic times like these.

I must abruptly end there, because Alistair Darling appears to have broken into my room and stolen my wallet.

Good Morning, 'Reasons Why I Drink'...

2009-03-06T01:16:00.000-08:00

“Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry’s Perspective. One: If someone’s standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can’t decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I’m fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it’d be called “Bring back the porn”, Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor — nay, respected as a man — is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.(Man in body bag is wheeled past) Isn't that right, Spike?"

The number one American T.V. show in my opinion is the very amusing comedy that is Scrubs. There are a host of reasons why I am a fan, but the primary reason is my love of one of the main characters, Dr Cox. Easily the best character invented by any T.V. show ever. Even better than Bauer. Yes, I said it. But I am afraid it is fact. Yes, the main character is Dr 'J.D.' John Dorian, who is brilliantly played by Zach Braff but it is John McGinley as Dr 'Perry' Percival Cox who steals the show. Dr Cox's constant put downs towards J.D. are what makes the show what it is.

“Then for the last time, don’t stick any part of your hairless body into my business. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it. Because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning, salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would STILL be upset that the first face I saw was yours!”

The show is set in an American Teaching Hospital called 'Sacred Heart'. The Chief of Medicine was the lamentable Dr Bob Kelso for the first seven series of the show and Dr Cox took over in series eight. The main characters are J.D, his best friend Chris Turk, Turk's wife Carla and J.D's on/off sex buddy Dr Elliot Reid. Other characters include the Janitor, who is brilliant, Jordan Sullivan (Dr Cox's ex-wife), the seemingly metrosexual surgeon Dr 'The Todd' Todd Quinlan and the hospital attorney, Theodore 'Ted' Buckland.

It is so funny the way that Dr Cox torments J.D. without losing J.D.'s respect at any point. J.D. simply craves his respect at all times without recieving it. He has been called many names by Dr Cox over the lifespan of the show: Newbie, Jennifer, Dorothy, Janice, Lillian, Sarah, Denise, Tiffany, Precious, Lonnie, Rainbow, etc, etc, etc... you get the picture. However the best one is when he spots J.D. and goes: "Hey, girl's name!" Brilliant. I could just fill this post full of Dr Cox quotes and it would be the greatest post ever written.

Another very amusing element of the show is Dr Cox's relationship with his ex-wife Jordan Sullivan, whom Cox seems to loath in the early series (series 1 in particular), but develops very strong feelings for her in later series and ends up having two kids with her, Jack and the amusingly named Jennifer Dillon (J.D. hehe...)

“Jordan said I’m the only man she ever wants to have sex with! (…) Aren’t we sharing fantastic lies we choose to believe for personal reasons?” and “Well, I suppose it’s because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and…slimy.” are two very nice examples of his apparent hatred of her. Jordan is probably more of an unpleasant person than Dr Cox is: "I already have your testicles in my trophy case!" she is harsh, but attractive in an odd way...

A sometimes forgotten, yet, integral character in the show is the Janitor (right). His name has never been revealed, although the creator Bill Lawrence has given some clues over the years. In the episode, "My Manhood", Janitor tells Dr. Cox that he has been called a great many nicknames, including Josh. He goes on to say that "there is a grain of truth to each of these". Actually this is the only serious clue. Other names he has called himself are 'Dr Jan Itor and Captain Billy Stinkwater. It would be hilarious if one of these were true.

There may also be a possibility that his name is the actor's real name, Neil Flynn. Neil Flynn plays a small role in The Fugitive in real life and in one episode, J.D believes he has seen the Janitor in the film, so there may be a clue here.

In the first ever episode 'My First Day', Janitor accuses J.D of lodging a penny in a door, causing it to stop working. After this point, he has pulled a series of pranks on J.D episode after episode and comes out with some marvellous quips of his own:

J.D: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee.

Janitor: Was his name Julien?

J.D: We didn't exchange pleasantries.

Janitor: That's Julien.

But I refuse to take any credit away from the star of the show and I shall end on another one of his famed rants. Enjoy:

“Could I, uh, could I have everybody’s attention, please. Jordan’s pregnant. (Talking in high-pitched voice) No. But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. (Regular voice) We were, but my vasectomy didn’t take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. (High-pitched voice) Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. (Regular voice) Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? (High-pitched voice) Oh, I’m any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and or any baby-related issues. (Regular voice) Isn’t that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the “Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation”.”

Music Must Be Saved From Itself

2009-03-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Music is probably my specialist subject. I take a keen interest in all parts of the industry due to my unfathomable enthusiasm for all music related topics. So for the next Operation: Epic Article I suggested to the rest of my Phenomenal colleagues that we write about music. And they agreed, incredibly.

Unfortunately, Potential Difference appears to have written about Muse already, so I guess I can't do that. (Whatever he says is probably what I think as well). On the other hand, if you wish to see the modern music industry completely and utterly slaughtered with a rusty meat cleaver, then stay on board...

First I would like to mention how idiotic the 2009 NME Awards were. Holy hell. Yes, Muse won three awards, but the whole event is just one huge showcase of how ridiculous the industry has regrettably become. Oasis? Best British band? Dig Out Your Soul is probably the worst album they have spat out. And they still walk away with Best Band. Wow, if all you need to do is be loutish, sweary and arrogant then I will follow Liam and Noel's example and I too can win Best Band.

Also, how can The Killers even be considered for Best International Band after the worldwide success of Kings of Leon last year? I went to see Kings of Leon live last year and they blew me away. Only By The Night is still top of the Album Charts after half a year and where is The Killers' Day and Age? 10th. Come on. Even Pete Doherty is choking at that. Or maybe he is choking because even he can't believe that he won the award for Best Solo Artist.

Another thing jumps out at me. It is the New Musical Express and yet The Cure are still being recognised by them and they have been going for 33 years now. If they are considered as new, why not give Abbey Road the award for best album? Why not The Clash for best band? Why not Mick Jagger for sexiest male? (lets not go too far now...)

It is, however, the Best Live Event award that cracks me up. Why do the NME even have this award when it is only really Glastonbury that appeals to the kind of people who buy the NME magazine every week? And guess which festival won? hmm...

I suppose Download is a tad loud for the indie crowd (Whitesnake or Slipknot anyone?) and V Festival? Well good bands such as Muse, Stereophonics and Kings of Leon played there, so that can't be considered...

Don't even get me started on the Best T.V. show award... grrr...

Still, at least the Brits were acceptable... ish. Hurray for Coldplay failing to win anything, but how did Seasick Steve (above, right) not win the award for Best International Male? He is so damn cool! How could Jay-Z win ahead of him? How could anyone win ahead of him? They have no idea...

The world needs talent. The vast majority of music today, is, lets face it, shocking. Katy Perry, MGMT, The Killers, Pink, The Ting Tings, Girls Aloud etc, etc, etc... It all sounds the same. I'm sure these points have been made over at Potential Difference, but I don't care. It needs to be reiterated.

We need one or two bands just to be the knights in shining armour that the music industry has been crying out for. Forget Fiona Lewis and Mouldplay. We need talent and I am very close to invading the internet spreading the word of the one band who everybody should and will eventually take notice of.

Go to Potential Difference for more details on the world's greatest band... You'll see.

Slumdog Trillionaire

2009-02-26T12:49:00.000-08:00

I was watching Have I Got News For You a while back and remember they were talking about the economic crisis. I know this is the second time I have mentioned Noddy Holder in a post but this is a golden quote from a conversation between him and Ian Hislop:

Holder: 'Where does all our money go? I still don't understand. When we borrow it from somewhere else, it must come from somewhere.'
Hislop: 'That's the problem, it doesn't really exist.'
Holder: 'So we never had it in the first place?'
Hislop: 'No, we didn't.'
Holder: 'Well, I don't know what we're worrying about then!'

And, unfortunately, this appears to be the mindset of politicians today. I was trying with all of my might to abstain from writing about the economy, I really tried, but because of this news story: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7910335.stm
I am forced to. God bless America eh?

Barack Obama plans to spend a budget of $3.6 trillion in 2010 alone. Now, I have one very obvious question that sticks to everyone's lips - Where is the money coming from? Don't tell me America is rich, because they are in $10.5 trillion worth of national debt.

So they are certainly not rich. And for god's sake do not tell me that it is a loan, holy crap, please no... just no... loans are what have torn this economy apart, and Obama wants to spend 3 trillion dollars? When the world is in debt?

I tend to come up with a solution to my outrage in every post and this one is no different. Another question - How can their be a world economic downturn? Who does the world owe money to? Aliens? A parallel universe?

Someone tell me why we can't just get all of the world leaders together and just wipe away all debt. It would end all problems immediately. Debt is the reason why so many banks and businesses are in danger and if we could just all come together and not ask for people's money back, I guarantee that the economy would survive.

But if Obama plans to plunge the world into more debt, then I'm outta here faster than you can say 'Bush for President'...

Deeeefence! Deeeefence! Deeeefence!

2009-02-24T14:25:00.000-08:00

Right. Let me begin this elaborate post by explaining that in American Football, they do kick actually kick the ball. But they still don't have the right to call it 'football' for the reason that the majority of the game is played with the ball in their hands. The object of the game is to score points by advancing the ball to the opponent's end zone for a six-point touchdown by kicking the ball through the goal posts for a three-point field goal, or by tackling an opposing ball carrier in their own end zone for a two-point safety (probably the most stupid rule there is).

After scoring a touchdown a team may attempt a one-point "extra point," a close-range field-goal-type kick, or a "two-point conversion" in which the ball is advanced into the end zone on a single play instead of a kicked extra-point attempt. The team with the most points when time has expired wins. I acquired all of that from Wikipedia as I seriously couldn't be bothered to come up with all of that myself because, as you can see, it is pretty confusing for anyone.

The games themselves consist of four 15 minute quarters but the game stops so much that the time does tend to fly by while you are watching. Unless they call a timeout, which means that they will take ages setting up for the next play. If a team is a touchdown ahead going into the last quarter, they will waste time like nobodies business, making it extremely boring. The only description as to how exciting a game could potentially be is the word 'marmite'. It could be the most riveting thing that you have ever seen, or you could actually fall asleep watching it (much like watching golf, or test cricket).

It is extremely fun to watch the outcome of a 5'10 running back attempting to get past a 6'6 twenty stone defensive lineman. It often ends in a predictable injury for the smaller of the two, and then he is replaced by someone even smaller, so the fat defensive lineman is laughing. Think David and Goliath. Apart from they are both black and wear helmets and tights. Which is similar to rugby, in a situation where a small winger attempts to get past a huge forward, apart from they are both likely to be white.

You will notice that there aren't many white people playing. If you watched the Superbowl match (no idea why they call it that) between Pittsburgh and Arizona on BBC or Sky a few weeks ago, it will have been observed that the only two white people on the field were the two quarterbacks, Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger. (don't ask me how I spelt his name.) It is probably because white people are all playing baseball and ice hockey. There is quite a bit of racial segregation in American sport, it must be said.

What doesn't make sense to me is why the Americans felt it necessary to name all of the positions after measurements. Quarterback, Halfback and Fullback being the examples. I don't think there is a Halfemptyback or a Tenthfullback, I'll look into it. Oh, and try not to take the positions literally either. Just because the Wide Receivers are American, it doesn't mean that they are literally wide. A very easy mistake to make when you observe the size of some of the linemen. Holy crap.

The most confusing element is why they call the scores 'touchdowns', when they do not actually have to touch the ball down, like in rugby. It is probably because they are too fat to bend and touch the ball down (look at image above and see what I mean). Or they are just lazy. It would make more sense if it swapped 'touchdown' with 'try' because they try to touch the ball down, but find it impossible as a result of their substantial girth.

I actually lied when I stated that the last point was confusing. I cannot end this post without first mentioning the terrifying complexity of the NFL Draft, which is where college football players move on to the big, scary NFL itself. In the draft there are 7 rounds with 32 players available in each round. The 32 NFL teams choose one player in each round based on positional needs, or just simply raw ability. Being the 1st overall pick in this draft is a tad prestigious so that particular player is paid an extortionate amount of money. The 1st pick in 1998, Peyton Manning is now probably one of the richest sports stars in the world. I'll talk more about him later.

However, some of the players that a team picks in the first round can turn out to be completely useless. About 5 or 6 years ago, the Detroit Lions decided to draft QB Joey Harrington in the first round. And he turned out to be a really shite player. It doesn't always work out, as he is now the backup QB for New Orleans. He must really hate himself now... As you can see in this image, during his Atlanta days, where he was also crap:

The only downside that I can see in AF is the unbelievable amount of money that the players are paid. The Indianapolis Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning (below) is paid about $500,000 a week or about £350,000 in our money, which is double what premiership footballers are paid. Which is frankly ridiculous. He could buy a Rolls Royce for every day of the week.

Manning once stated that he was in 'at least half of commercials on T.V.' which was true, because when you watch T.V. in America, you can't escape him. Which means he earns more. Bastard. But he has been Most Valuable Player of the year 3 times in his career, so we'll let him off I guess. He gives alot of his money to charity. Well done Peyton, trying to find favour with the overly-liberal government...

I would like to present a case as to why American Football is a better sport than others. There are certainly more big hits (spears, clotheslines, general wrestling moves) in AF than in rugby, hence the huge shoulder pads and caged helmets. It is better than cricket because it is not sleep inducing (most of the time) and it beats the hell out of watching golf on a Sunday evening. Shame the season only runs from August into January. But I guess playing in the skin tight bottoms would be horrible in summer...

But for the average person to be able to watch the sport, you would have to learn at least the basic rules, which can be difficult at the best of times. I bought Madden NFL 05 for my PS2 a few years ago, and that is how I learned the rules. And I liked it so much, I have bought every Madden game since, and watch NFL games whenever possible. My favourite team are the Miami Dolphins, simply because I went to Florida once and I decided not to support the other southern Florida team, Tampa. For good reason. But on the other hand, the Miami Quarterback is ginger and called Chad...

I'll just be a glory hunter and support 2009 winners Pittsburgh :)

Yeah? Well I've Got A Microsony PS360...

2009-02-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

Good old Sony. They have been very kind to me down the years. When I got my first gaming console in 1998, it was of course the irreplaceable PlayStation 1. Until I replaced it with a PlayStation 2, which was better and gave me at least four years of loyal service while I was scoring goals on FIFA, shooting some bastards on Medal of Honour or whizzing around at high speeds blasting laser cannons and cutting people up with light sabers on Star Wars: Battlefront.

And then when I got a PS3 for chrimbo 2007, I thought it would be the greatest thing in the world...

And I was pretty much correct for a year. Call of Duty 5 and Rainbow Six Vegas 2 are two of my favourite PS3 games, for the simple reason that I delight in the sight of computer generated blood squirting all over the place...it puts my mind at ease, knowing that the Japs will not retaliate by crashing through the T.V. screen and stabbing me with a bayonet on the end of an Arisaka rifle. Not pretty. But even that lovely image would be more favourable than my PS3 deciding to die.

Which is what it has now done, hence the link with the Xbox 360 in the title. Now, I thought that the PS3 would be the more reliable of the two, seeing as the 360 is about as reliable as the accountants at Woolworth's. After about a week the red ring of death appears as expected like a rash after an encounter with a harlot.

It just happens.

People decide to pay good money, even though they know what will happen. I paid good money for the PS3, supposedly safe in the knowledge that it would not break. Hmm...

When I turn it on, it simply doesn't want to go onto the main menu screen. Did I say something to the main menu to hurt it's feelings? If so I am sorry, I didn't realise that a menu screen could be such a womanly emotional wreck. I shall continue writing after I attempt to fiddle with the insides of the machine...wish me luck...

...*sound of hammer*............*sound of heavy console dropping to floor*.....................
............*sound of someone getting electrocuted because they didn't realise that it was still plugged in*......

And it works again! You couldn't do that with a cross box that's for sure. I only hope that the warranty wasn't still valid...cos it ain't any more, thats for certain.

Everything You Know Is Wrong, Apparently

2009-02-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was extremely bored one afternoon last year, so I decided to go into town and buy a book. Now, as you can probably fathom, I'm not really someone who reads too often (although perhaps I should, seeing as I am currently on an English Literature course). However, on this particular occasion, I encountered a very interesting looking book on conspiracy theories.

Being someone who is highly sceptical, I gave it one look and decided that it was a load of rubbish and therefore a waste of money. Therefore I bought it. And duly lost it that very same day. I thought it was gone forever until I uncovered it in a deep, dark, murky, forgotten corner of my bedroom the other week like a man arriving at work and having to listen to some woman go on and on about how their holiday to St Tropez went.

They are both completely full of shit.

The book kicks off with the most pointless of all conspiracy theories, whether or not Kurt Cobain actually did commit suicide or not. Hmm, a completely depressed drug addled lunatic with a drink problem and an gun collection? I'm not sure where the conspiracy fits in here, to be frank. That case should, ideally, be in a book entitled 'Really Obvious Cases Of Suicide That Should In No Way Be Considered Conspiracies In Any Way Shape Or Form'.

One of the more entertaining but utterly ridiculous ones has to be the idea that Paul McCartney died and was replaced by a lookalike of some kind. Yep, you read correctly... The sheer preposterousness of this theory is flabbergasting. How could someone who looked exactly like Paul McCartney and with the same amount of musical talent ever have been found? It seems a tad hair brained to me.

That wasn't the funniest one.

The most amusing and outlandish theory in the book is the fact that the actions of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party were controlled by satanic forces. Or the Devil, basically. It states, and I quote, 'Hitler's ultimate goal was not to unite Europe under his rule at all, but to cause widespread death and destruction to please his satanic masters.'

Personally, being a complete sceptic of religion itself or anything surrounding it, I choked when I read this. Succeeding the initial shock of the choking, I mellowed to simply laughing and nearly shattering my ribs in the process. At this point, I ceased reading, wisely realising that this is the only thing that I had ever read that had actually physically caused pain.

For me, dismissing events such as the Holocaust as a tool for gaining 'magical' energy seems a bit far fetched and actually insulting to the ones who were killed. The circumstances surrounding the rise of the Nazi party were not mysterious at all as they are easily understood and explained in simple sociological and political terms. The mere fact the the so called 'Brotherhood of Death' (The name of Hitler's odd satanic tribe) had the Jolly Rodger as a logo sort of ends any conspiracy in my view.

The final word is that all conspiracy theories are ridiculous and that is that. They are only recycled because alot of people are naive enough to take in any information, even if it is ridiculous. Other conspiracies in the book include; Hillary Clinton (?), George W. Bush (His idiocy is a cause for conspiracy theories to spread - 'how can anyone be that dumb?'), barcodes (Something to do with US military and spying, i don't know) and cow mutilations (Now that was interesting to read...)

I have subsequently come up with a test to find out if people are clever or not. It comprises of one question: 'Do you believe in conspiracies?' There can be three categories of mental retardedness:

Answered 'no' - Clever
Answered 'yes' - Retarded
Answered 'what does conspiracies mean?' - Not worth keeping alive

Iggy Not

2009-02-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

Anarchy for the U.K, it's coming sometime and maybe, I give a wrong time stop a traffic line, your future dream is a shopping scheme cos I wanna be anarchy! In the city...

Does that actually mean anything? I'm confused and I would assume you all are as well. This was the height of music in the seventies apparently...

The Sex Pistols, The Stooges, The Clash, The Ramones... None of them knew how to play music. They were just all anti-establishment, non-conformist, leather wearing, very suicidal bouncing prats. None of these bands possessed the slightest sniff of musical talent. They became famous simply because they broke away from the Rolling Stones/Beatles norm of that time period.

Punk 'music' seems to abide by a Do It Yourself methodology which is very, very apparent when you hear their records. The Sex Pistol's album Never Mind The Bollocks is a prime example of how bollocks the older punk recordings really are. It is a complete mess. John Lydon sounds as if he has a tree stuck down his throat throughout the album, especially during 'Anarchy...' which is a very poor excuse for a song and how the hell it sold as a single boggles the noggin.

Each punk song has a maximum of three chords played throughout which is a tad repetitive. But it is the vocal contributions that make me wrectch. Lydon, Joey Ramone, Iggy Pop and Joe Strummer couldn't sing. Strummer and Joey paid for their poor singing with grisly death. Serves them right. Lydon and Iggy...well...they are both pretty much zombies to be honest as they both have the bodies of hundred year olds. Why did Swift Cover sign up Iggy to get naked on their adverts? Nobody needs to see that disgusting result of many decades of hard drugs for the reason that he looks like naked mole rat with a yellow wig. 'Am I selling car insurance or am I selling time?' I'm not sure anybody knows, Iggy.

Horrible.

Getting involved with Punk music was pretty much the same as selling your soul to the devil. Of the four bands I mention, six members are now dead. Including the most famous case, of course, which was the lead up to the death of Sid Vicious, which began with him killing 'girlfriend' Nancy Sprungen, then trying to kill himself, then finding a new girlfriend, then actually killing himself via Heroin Overdose. I'm still debating who's death is better out of Vicious and Kurt Cobain. I maintain Cobain's because his cause of death remains, officially at least, unknown. However, both were drug addled loonies who hated any sort of spotlight or attention.

Added to this, the fact that Joey, Johnny and Dee Dee Ramone all snuffed it within 3 years of each other is also very much a mystery. Or they were also just drugged up old gits who were knocking on death's door with a battering ram for 30 years. Who knows? All I know is punk music was messy business a long time ago, but the bands themselves appear to have cleaned up their act in recent years.

The Offspring and Green Day are both examples of neo-punk offerings that are very popular apparently (I'm not sure about Green Day myself - Billy Joe Armstrong wears eyeliner...) and the whole punk culture nowadays seems to have died down and has been forgotten about. Unless your name is John Lydon and you are willing to do anything to get noticed. If the Sex Pistols are at a festival near you this summer, I advise you not to go on the basis that suicide is a very plausible outcome... Sid Vicious may have made the right choice...

Stop Being So Cupid...

2009-02-14T13:48:00.001-08:00

*Throws up in mouth a little bit*... Oh dear...very sorry about that... I think I've made my feelings on February the 14th pretty clear already. I was going to explain it but I think that my vomit has just spoken already. All hail the vomit...

Wow, what a strange opening. But now to move on to the subject at hand, the depopulation of badgers in Norfolk. What? Well it's more interesting than speaking about Valentines day, for me anyway. Not a fan of the concept. I'm not chewing sour grapes because I'm not with anyone and all my friends are (well, most of them aren't) I just generally hate everything about anything to do with any part of it. Unless an attractive blond wearing nothing but a smile asks me to be their valentine (incredibly unlikely) which nobody can complain at. Ever.

But the reality is that the amount of cheese on display is immense. But not in a good way. I walked into three card shops yesterday morning and I was blinded by a complete load of dross and just general garish crimson shite. I could spend no longer than a minute in any of them, it was that bad. I envisaged a pleasant shopping experience but was hit with an atom bomb of red and pink smut.

I'm not the accusing type, but to me, Valentine's day is just one big liberal showcase. A day for everybody to forget about their troubles and hug each other. It is President Obama's plan for Valentine's day to be every day. A day for everyone to halt all of their normal schedule and hug each other. It's not going to happen. One Valentine's day is bad enough.

Maybe it is jealousy, I don't know, I don't want to know. (It probably is because I'm sitting at home on my computer while everyone is out having unprotected intimate relations with various mega sluts.) But all I know is, I treat the 14th of Feb like any other day of the year. Another terrible, miserable, cold, generally forgettable and extremely wet day. Incidentally, all the characteristics of one of these sluts I refer to. So I am not missing anything. Hehe...

Poll Dancing Politicians Are All The Same

2009-02-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

“Repression is for a dictatorship what propaganda is for the democracy.”

Just thought I would open with this terrifically true quote from the controversial Noam Chomsky (never heard of him? An interesting if slightly unhinged political activist.) which sort of outlines my views of democracy, libertarianism, hugahippieism, etc. The fact that politics has always been one big propaganda showcase. Nowadays the problem seems to have escalated beyond human belief when considering politicians closer to home, such as Hamish McBrown and The Highest Lord, Earl of Greater London, The Duke of Cameron.

Lets go back to the 1930's when Adolf Hitler was at his 'peak'. He conducted a propaganda campaign in order to achieve votes so he could lead the Nazi Party into power in Germany. Fair enough, good on the lad, he had ambition. However, the key difference with Hitler and modern politicians is that Hitler actually knew what he was going to do when in power. Yes, his plans were a tad unrealistic...and brutal...but he knew precisely what he was doing. Until 1944-45 when he sort of realised he'd cocked up slightly. But that is a whole different story that I will probably revisit in a future post.

Hitler had a manifesto. He didn't stick to it, went off on a complete tangent for six years and then blasted himself in the noggin when he realised that his plans had failed a little bit. But give him credit, he actually wanted to get into power for a reason. Unlike modern politicians who couldn't give a flying fuck what they do when in power as long as they get their ugly mugs into newspapers and onto our long suffering television screens.

When David Cameron wants votes, he rides his bicycle, ensuring that he has organised a nice camera session on a street right outside his mansion when he gets on it wearing knee pads, reflectors and luminous green clothes. (Note the word green. He tends to use that alot) So, congrats David. You are supposed to be conservative and yet the only people you are going to win over are brown-nose Obama worshipping liberal shrub humpers. Smooth move...

But he couldn't actually care less. As long as he has more votes than the one-eyed Scottish id-(better not...) Brown, then he'll be more than happy. When he wins the election, he and his toff Tory buddies will enjoy a recession busting extravaganza with top hats, the finest cubans and cuvée de prestige champagne. And then when the morning hangover hits him, he will realise that he has got himself into a bit of a right royal mess.

When modern politicians come to power, they do not have a game plan. I'm afraid to say that Barack does not have a game plan. (I realise that saying that is like denouncing God, but I do that constantly so, in effect, what I have said here is tame and uncontroversial in comparison). Blair didn't have a game plan, Brown certainly doesn't have a game plan (doesn't take Mendeleev to work that out...) and when Cameron comes to power, he will not have a game plan.

Obama simply rode his wave of publicity for the 20 or so years that he campaigned for the U.S. election and he has been proclaimed as a second god because he has said that the world will change. It simply won't. Obama is the definition of Idealism. In the Vietnam War, Lyndon Johnson, even with the increasing causalities, still went ahead with the war as he strongly believed that the U.S. would emerge victorious. How wrong he was.

Barack can't just come out and say that the world will change. It won't and there will be many very, very disappointed faces. It's like Jesus turning up at a wedding and not being able to turn the water into wine which unfortunately leads to the groom sobering up and realising what an ugly hippo he is about to marry. And then he will start hitting on the bride's mother and it will all get out of hand. And it will all be Jesus' fault. The same as Obama and his advisers should be blamed completely if his tenure goes sour. Which it will, pretty much guaranteed.

You may ask 'What's you're solution then, if you're so smart?'

Answer is I don't actually possess a solution. But I believe the problem is big enough and obvious enough that one should be found. I would suggest a dictatorship, as dictators have no reason to be campaigning for anything, so they can get on with the job at hand. But over the years, dictatorships have not worked quite as well as they might have done (Nazi Germany, Italy, Iraq, the USSR, etc...) and only a few remain, most notably in North Korea (Shine on Kim Jong Il, you crazy old mofo!)

If David Cameron does come to power, he will arrive on a white stallion, waving a sword around in the air, shouting about how amazing the country is going to be with Tory leadership. Four years later, he will be limping out of no.10 with his tail between his legs and with the street credit of a donkey suffering from piles. Really, really bad piles. I mean, like, hemorrhoids the size of the moon....

Every Little Helps... Hand it Over, Now!

2009-02-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

Don your Santa hats and reindeer antlers because in the words of Noddy Holder 'ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!' in about 9 and a half months time. However, for whatever reason people still get excited about it now. If I went to someone and said 'would you like to see Santa?', they would comply as they love Christmas just too much to refuse, not contemplating the fact that it is over 300 days away. It doesn't take much to get people jolly with all this doom and gloom spreading around us like an Australian wildfire.

And big corporations realise this. Unlike the consumer, they are not insufficient in the cranial department. On the 7th of January each year, the supermarkets take down their Christmas decorations. Yep, fair enough, 12 days of Christmas - that is a considerate amount of time for the consumer to enjoy the spirit of the season as they shop.

However...

On the 8th of January, these large supermarkets decide that people need the Easter Bunny inserted into their throats at high velocity for four months. Now, I'm pretty darn sure people don't buy Easter eggs four months before Easter, so why on earth do these supermarkets see the need to put Easter eggs on the shelves just as the consumers have finished giving away their credit card details like prostitutes giving out STI's? It is a puzzlement. Apart from the fact it actually isn't.

Unfortunately for the world, mentally deficient people exist. But this is of course a good thing for supermarkets. You're beginning to see the point I'm trying to make here now, yes? These retards walk into a shop, they see a 10% off sticker and they go for it like an American chasing a pound of cheesy nachos, without actually realising that they just bought an iced tea making contraption costing £200. You know the type of person. Council Estate benefit claimers and blonde block headed bimbo barbies. (Immediate thoughts - Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson...)

Now, the supermarkets seem to think that putting up seasonal decorations waaaaaay before the season actually begins is okay, then they are correct. If people are stupid enough to celebrate Easter on Christmas day, then the supermarkets have every right to exploit them. Hell, I would.

But there is one thing that really pisses me off about these supermarkets. Especially Tesco. Tesco seem to think it is a-okay to raise the prices by 3 or 4 pence every week and yet still send slanderous comments such as 'The only thing not taking a battering...is your pocket. Every little helps...' onto our television screens. They are blatantly lying. Again to exploit people. I don't mind them putting up Christmas decorations eight months before Christmas starts, but one thing that is totally unacceptable is lying about prices. It is actually sickening that, during this long-running credit crunch, establishments still attempt to suck that little bit of money that you have left. For shame...

Alcohol Revisited... Again...

2009-02-02T03:42:00.000-08:00

I keep convincing myself that alcohol is the devil's drink. That it will only led to a substantially early demise. Yet I continue on my Highway to Hell. (I really must cease with the song title puns, that's another addiction I must get sorted...) I need Rehab. (I really will stop eventually) Alcohol really is the Master of Puppets. (OK, that's enough now...) I personally believe that I have become a hand puppet to ethanol as it enters me in abundance and controls what I do. I must stop now, otherwise I will believe that life's only necessity to live is C2H5OH. Well I think that's the molecular formula of ethanol. Chris, correct me if I'm wrong...

I was out until at least 5 o'clock on Sunday morning, which is unforgivable in itself, aimlessly wandering around the city centre in a blur. I have never stayed out that late, and I don't intend to ever again and the reasons for that are extremely clear if you knew the state of my toilet afterwards. I was tempted to take a picture and post it but with the fear of a decline in readers looming, I wisely decided against it. (Apologies to those with a fetish for vomit-caked toilets...) Eurrghh... *shudder of shoulders*

Notwithstanding, was it worth missing a day of normalness for it? Hell yes, i missed an Ethics mock paper. But that's not the point. The point is this. Why do people drink? It staggers me that almost 10% of the world's population are heavy drinkers. (Most reside in Moscow and St. Petersburg, I'm guessing) Apart from the experience of a period I like to call 'mild stociousness' there appear to be no perks to drinking at all. I must stop.

But I can't.

I understand that the term 'drunkenness' means: 'The state of being drunken with, or as with, alcoholic liquor.' Now, alcohol doesn't actually taste that nice (besides black sambuca...heaven in a shot...) so why do it? Why damn yourself to a life of alcoholism? Ale, Bitter, Mild, Lager, Cider, Stout... none of them taste that nice, and you know I am correct. It's not the taste. Is it the texture? The drunken feeling? Even peer pressure? Nope. It is the human libido.

There is only one way in which the average bloke can find his way into the pants of a very attractive female and that is through sweet, sweet alcohol. (Even I've tried it before, although it doesn't work for me for some reason...I won't bore you with the details of my stagnant love life...) It is the only reason blokes go out on the lash. For some easy punami.

Admit it...

You don't do it for the hangover, that's for sure... I'm now bringing back memories of yesterday... Eurgh.... The hangover is a warning. A sign. To stop drinking. And judging by my state yesterday...

I appear to have received the clearest warning yet.

Oh, my they do look appetizing... no!

The Penalty Will Be Paid

2009-01-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

I had never watched Skins before and I decided to give it a go, even though I knew it was going to be the most substantial waste of time in my entire life ever. Unsurprisingly, after 5 excruciating minutes I was proved correct and buggered off to my computer to complain about our stupid country some more. The post today does bear some relevance to this unfortunate program and mainly the people in it. How such a terrible waste of my precious *cough* time has inspired a post does not cease to boggle the old noodle...

Lets take another inspiring trip to the United States of America, where men can roam free, without having to worry about getting stabbed or being raped. They are shot and their bodies are turned into drug mules for the Maf...erm...the Syndicate...instead. But that's not important right now. What's important in America is that the people who fulfill their roles as bastard lowlife criminal scumbags head to death row.

And for the first time ever, I am about to tell the British Government to follow the yanks on this one, and install the death penalty on all people who commit a crime through their own free will.

Chavs, mainly.

But honestly, this idea is a stroke of absolute and utter intrinsic genius, if I may say so. If any softy Liberal is reading this, I advise you to turn away and hug a stranger or whatever it is you types of people do, as you will probably not like this plan. People always complain about chavs: 'Oh, they're hanging out on the street corner again, what are we going to do?' and 'What is he wearing? Why is his tracksuit tucked into his socks? Eurgh.' The problem of the common chav can be wiped out if they are all sentenced to death. Simple.

Nobody likes them. Their own families obviously don't care about them and they definitely won't be missed by their closest mates either, because they will also be killed. If the families complain that their children have been killed, kill them as well, because it is through their fault that their children turned into scum in the first place.

The American government is not the greatest administration in the world, which is quite obvious throughout history (*cough* Vietnam *cough* Korea *cough* global economic downturn *cough* excuse me...), but they do have one good policy and that is a policy that we should definitely bring to the U.K.

And if Gordon Brown does not introduce the death sentence, then I will become Prime Minister and introduce it myself. And kill Gordon Brown.

Some Say He Eats Tarantulas...

2009-01-30T03:55:00.000-08:00

Stop toiling with our emotions! Now they say the Stig is 8 different people (notice the link with the title - tarantula - eight legs - geddit? oh dear...i'm a living joke...) including F1 driver, Teammate of Lewis Hamilton. Who are these people?!?!? Just tell us, end our misery, replace white stig with a robot and lets all get on with our lives!

Goddammit!!

Rock n' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution...

2009-01-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

Hey there, all you middle men, throw away your fancy clothes. And while you're out there sittin' on a fence, get off your ass and come down here. 'Cause rock 'n' roll ain't no riddle man, to me it makes good, good sense.

Radio One should take AC/DC's advice on this one. Chris 'bewildered beluga' Moyles will eventually come to the realisation that all he plays all day is pretty shite. Or he won't as he has the brain capacity of a dead stoat, and likes the nation to listen to shite when they get up early in the morning. All I know is, compared to having to hear Moyles' voice at 7 in the morning, listening to Katy Perry can actually seem very bearable. What am I saying?! I'll just turn it off and put 'Nevermind' by Nirvana into my cd player. Panic over.

I can't remember being around for the 70's and 80's, but I can tell from my father's nostalgia collection that it was a pretty good period for rock music. The likes of Led Zeppelin, The Who, AC/DC, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden, Aerosmith, Rush, Van Halen and Pink Floyd provided some pretty outstanding talent in this rather marvellous decade. Notice I may have left out Genesis and Status Quo. No reason... *puts finger in mouth and pretends to gag*

I mention these behemoth names in music to just prove a point that there aren't many decent modern rock bands coming through. We have the likes of Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam or Muse to tickle our rock fancy (Before any smart-ass says anything, I don't include Coldplay, Oasis, Radiohead, Nickelback, The Killers, Blink 182 or Green Day as rock bands.) But as far as purely 'rock' bands go, I find myself devoid of many to mention... There are so many branches to the Rock Tree that have recently been created (Most recently, Coldplay's new branch - Mainstream pop bullcrap) that the definition of the word 'Rock' has become somewhat obsolete, as sad as that is to admit.

But the crazy old grandads of rock remain and full respect to the likes of The Who and AC/DC, who continue to hold the baton for rock music into their 50's and 60's. The Who have had to deal with the deaths of Keith Moon and John Entwistle, but still tend to the rock needs of My Generation. AC/DC dealt with the death of singer Bon Scott in 1980, but they continue on their Rock n' Roll train...

Living proof that You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll.

p.s - Apologies for the appalling song-title puns, forgive me...

Vote Republican!

2009-01-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

Right, children, sit down and listen carefully as I shall begin this post with a throwback of what could have happened to our world if Dubya did not become President of The United States of the World. An alternative version of what the planet would be like if Bill Clinton Jr (Al Gore) was sworn in as the 43rd big P.

Yes, he would have tried to be fair on everyone and yes, he would have probably not done a bad job of running the world. But I'm afraid the planet would be in a bigger mess than it is now if he did get the gig. I'm afraid I am taking on the impossible and attempting to demolish the 'dumb' stereotype of George W Bush. I know, I know, but I think I may have found a very large flaw in the whole theory of Liberalism, which makes Bush look like the lovechild of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein.

There are of course the regular criticisms of Liberalism :

The rights of the individual are either diminished or abolished.
There is a tendency for Liberals to not act tough enough in a situation that warrants a tough response.
It is a very vague philosophy, and simply endorses people hugging each other.

The main point of this post lies within the islands of Central America. When the regrettable acts of 9/11 took place, his Georgeness swore that he would fight the threat of terrorism and he began with the opening of the Guantanamo Bay Detention camp in Cuba. If the Liberals were in charge, then I am almost certain that the Detention camp would not have been built.

So what? I hear you ask...

Well, convicted terrorists such as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Ramzi Binalshibh and Mustafa al-Hawsawi would be roaming the world, destroying landmarks and killing thousands of people with their relentless terrorist actions. In other more simple words, thanks to Bush, we still have the Houses of Parliament.

Damn.

On a serious note, the world would be worse off without the leadership of the conservative Republican government of the last eight years. I just find it troubling to consume the fact that people have the right to criticise Bush when Al Gore would have been far less convincing (as strange as it sounds). His evil Liberal ways would have allowed Saddam Hussein to continue with his Neo-Communist Ba'ath Party manifesto in Iraq. (Think Lenin, Stalin, Mao and Kim Jong Il put together in one terrifying socialist mush)

I personally believe that Barack Obama has already made a huge error by deciding to close the Guantanamo Bay Detention camp. He only decided to close it because the inmates were forced to carry out some pretty derogatory acts such as being forced to wear a bra and dance with other men. No other reason other than that. He could have just made the prison guards swear that they would not make inmates perform derogatory acts such as those listed above, instead of closing down what I see as an integral institution to the safety and well being of everybody on the planet. How could the events of 9/11 in 2001 have possibly slipped the mind of the Harvard Law School graduate so quickly?

Probably too busy bloody campaining for the 2013 election...

How Could They ?!

2009-01-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was just an insignificant whippersnapper when belief and faith were probably the only two things that mattered in my life, along with shiny objects and Haribo sweets. Ahh, some things never change... However, belief and faith are becoming somewhat obsolete in my life.

I remember on the 24th of December at about 12am every year, I would look out of my window hoping to sneak a peak at the big man in crimson... It was a really magical experience that every child should have the right to go through. I thought I actually saw Santa one year but it just turned out to be a red plane flying very lethargically and low to the ground... a major disappointment. (I live next to an airport, so an uncommon occurrence) I was 10 by that point, so that turned out to be the final nail in the 'Believing in Santa' coffin.

The Tooth Fairy coffin was well and truly six feet under when my uncle said to me, at the age of 8 (no less), 'Hey! Ya tooth fell out! How much d'ya reckon ya mum'll giv ya?' That moment destroyed me, and I don't think I talked to him for about, hmm, 10 years or so after that... he's probably dead by now. This leads me nicely into my main point. I'm sure I'm not the only one when I say that people who crush your main principles in life should be killed to death. Like the complete and utter wanker who last week revealed the identity of The Stig.

Now, don't you dare correct me if I'm wrong, because I ain't, but did the Right Honourable Lord Doctor Jeremy Clarkson not state that all his legs are hydraulic and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight? Did he not state that he can open a beer bottle with his testes and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals? I'm not sure if Ben Collins can open beer bottles with his two veg, otherwise he certainly wouldn't be doing Top Gear, I can assure you... I would immediately blame the Daily Telegraph, as I do with most things, but it also The Times who are to blame on this occasion. They wrote-

" the identity of the white-suited Stig ... has been an open secret within the motoring world for some years, with newspapers refraining from publishing his name, to uphold the spirit of the programme."

Then the Telegraph went and blabbed. And The Times did too. Why do they have to ruin everybody's fun? Now Top Gear must get rid of White Stig. I know, I loved him too, but because of two insensitive newspapers, our hopes and beliefs are now gone forever, along with the spirit of Top Gear and the whole concept of 'a bit of fun'. There remains positively no requirement to get over-excited about a replacement either, because his identity will just be revealed along with the rest of them...

'Some say that the Stig is a little, part time, former NASCAR nobody wanker of an excuse for a racedriver...all we know is, the new Stig should actually be neither man nor beast...' Then shit-for-brains bastard retard newspaper reporters will shut their fat, irritating, faeces filled gobs...

R.I.P.

A Legend Departs...

2009-01-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

The last eight years have been filled with entertainment, laughter and general comedy down to one great man. He has lit up the worlds of some and bombarded others (literally) with his prevalent hilarity. He has been a fantastic comedian and entertainer for billions across the globe, deserving many an award for his humorous antics. Farewell, George Bush.

Just a few of his gags to remember him by:

"The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer -- prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them."

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."

And my personal favourite:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Shame, because Obama is gonna be as boring as anything. Or at least that is what he'd be expecting us to think... No, he'll be boring. Bush for Prime Minister!

The Perfect TV Show

2009-01-16T02:10:00.000-08:00

Why, oh why do we pay our T.V. licences and are then forced to watch Adrian Chiles talk about how pleasant the world is for half an hour? How wonderful... Mind you, ITV is worse. My father forces me to watch GMTV in the morning. It is torture. I'll prove to you what I mean...

Ben Shephard: 'Isn't it going to be a great week!'
Kate Garroway: 'Yes it is!'
Ben Shephard: 'How great is the world!
Kate Garroway: 'It's wonderful!'
Ben Shephard: 'Wonderful World? Isn't that a song?'
Kate Garroway: 'Ha ha ha, I believe it is, how fantastic is that!'
Ben Shephard: 'Ha ha ha, yes it is, it is...hmm...'
Kate Garroway: 'That reminds me! Time for the competition for your chance to win a trip to stay in a 2 star bed and breakfast in Slough for a night!'
Ben Shephard: 'That...Sounds...great...'

Mind you, BBC Breakfast is worse than that...As soon as a news story comes up, the two strangely happy people talk about that one news story for at least 3 years and giggle after everything they say, brandishing their very, very white teeth. You can imagine just how insufferably horrific that sounds. Worse than sitting through an entire minute of X Factor. Maaaybeee not...no, no, definitely not.

My assault on the BBC does not stop there. Two words sum up just how naive and generally stupid the BBC have become: Radio One. Chris 'Retarded Whale' Moyles picks out what seems like three tracks and recycles them all day. To make it worse, they are usually rather shite. "Now up next we've got Rihanna's new single, Disturbia! *Retarded whale noise* And then after that, we have Disturbia by Rihanna. And *retarded whale noise* after the competition, we have Rihanna's number one single, Disturbia! *retarded whale noise*." I won't even begin to discuss Radio 1xtra, at the risk of killing myself with a pick axe. In the face. And with my remaining energy, finding a rope and choking myself. While setting myself on fire with a burning chainsaw. And exploding.

And now, I will present my own idea of what would be the perfect T.V show. I hope the Beeb are reading this: How about Stephen Fry, presenting a program where the Top Gear guys, Clarkson, Hammond and May have to drive drag cars all the way down the M6 (with hookers next to them for good measure.) People I hate such as Russell Brand, Noel Fielding and Chris Moyles are tied to the backs of them, exposed to the engines. At the end, the person who has the most killed person on the back of their car wins. There you go, BBC, now people would tune in for that, and you know they would.

He Exists Just As Squirrels Exist In Trees...

2009-01-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

Just a follow up to yesterday's post exclaiming my disillusionment with all God-talk and religion itself. This is an average conversation with a fundamentalist believer:

'Hello there.'
'Hello, young man. Do you believe in the Almighty God and his everlasting Goodness?'
'No'
'I damn thee to hell! What is you reasoning for this exclamation!?'
'I just think that there is no scientific evidence for the existence of God, that's all...'
'But He created the universe and everything on it!'
'How?'
'Erm...Yes...The Old Testament states so.'
'Oh, yes, of course! The old book of ridiculous myths written about 3000 years ago!'
'Erm...yes...of...course...It is written in the story of creation...'
'Ah, yes, the story about a magical giant man who got out his magic wand and created a whole universe in a week. Yes, such a believable story...'
'Erm...yes...God...lives...among...us. In spirit! Yes, in spirit, that'll do... Shut up!'
'No, no, no! Do go on! I'm interested to hear how you will explain God!'
*by this point, sweating horribly* 'Erm...Erm...Look! A giant flying marshmallow!' *runs away*

All Religions Are Lost...

2009-01-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

To be completely and utterly honest, religious belief is beginning to look like a pretty ridiculous concept to me. Only one religion can be right of course, but none of them probably are. Christianity, Judaism and Islam are all searching for one God. Granted. But they do like to bicker when it comes to the small details don't they?

Christianity ended up splitting into five different groups because of minuscule little disagreements. Catholics claim that the Virgin Mary was a pure as spring water from the Swiss Alps, but Protestants seem to think that Mary was as sinful as Beelzebub himself. Now, now, break it up...

Well, Protestants have the strangest idea that Mary popped her cherry after Jesus was born and to me, that is a stranger statement than saying that Mary was actually always a virgin. Surely the loss of virginity comes before the baby? Maybe? Protestantism in itself is just a flawed concept. They also seem to believe that Mary and Joseph didn't even know each other before Jesus was born. Now I'm sorry, but it clearly states in Matthew's gospel that Mary and Joseph were together before Jesus was born. I'd quote it, but I wouldn't want to bore you.

Being attached to a religion is painful, though. I myself am attached to Catholicism, which isn't all bad, but I am not a fan of the way my schools and churches have crammed absurd stories and information about God down my windpipe for the last 13 years of my life. Am I supposed to accept that this giant man appeared from nowhere and (without any building tools or resources or anything, i might add) created the universe? Am I exclusive in thinking that this is an consummate and unequivocal load of bull faeces?

There remains, however, one new religion in which I am currently in the inaugural stages of believing in. One religion that believes that it was one event which began the universe. One religion that teaches things that all humans can comprehend. One religion in which all humans are united in one belief. This new religion I am proposing is called letsallstopbeingsobleedingirrationalism.